Facing the Mirror: What Self-Awareness Really Looks Like
- Deborah Ann Martin
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
Lost, stuck, or confused? The answers you’re looking for may be closer than you think.
Most of us want to grow. We read the books. We listen to the podcasts. We say we’re working on ourselves. But when it comes to facing the truth about who we are—not just who hurt us—it gets uncomfortable.
Self-awareness isn’t just about understanding your triggers or listing your goals. It’s the brave decision to look in the mirror and ask:
“What part of me needs healing, not hiding?”
Why Self-Awareness Matters
If you’ve spent years reacting to life, you may not realize how many of your patterns are on autopilot. According to the American Psychological Association, self-awareness is a key factor in emotional intelligence. It helps us recognize our own behaviors, manage emotional reactions, and make conscious decisions instead of reactive ones.
That means the more aware you are, the more power you have to choose how you live.
Common Blind Spots (We All Have Them)
Self-awareness isn’t something you’re born with—it’s something you build. And along the way, we all miss things about ourselves. These are called blind spots, and they often show up when we’re stressed, triggered, or repeating old habits without realizing it.
Here are 10 of the most common blind spots people experience, especially those of us who’ve been through emotional hurt, trauma, or unstable relationships. These patterns can keep us stuck, but noticing them is the first step toward freedom.
You often blame others for how you feel. It’s easier to say “You made me mad” than to explore the fear, pain, or insecurity underneath. Blame keeps us from digging deeper—but it also keeps us from healing.
You over-explain your decisions. If you constantly feel the need to defend your choices, it may be a sign that you don’t feel worthy of making them without permission or approval.
You get defensive when someone gives feedback . Feeling attacked by even gentle suggestions might point to old wounds about not being good enough or always being criticized.
You avoid conflict at all costs. If speaking up was unsafe growing up, you may now stay silent even when something matters deeply to you.
You over-function for others and under-function for yourself. You take care of everyone else but ignore your own needs. You may even feel selfish for resting or saying no.
You say “I’m fine” when you’re not. You've learned to wear a mask—strong, calm, together—while falling apart inside. Pretending helps you survive, but it prevents a deep connection.
You feel like things are your fault—even when they aren’t. This often comes from being blamed unfairly in childhood or having to “keep the peace” in the family.
You keep choosing relationships that hurt or drain you. When chaos feels familiar, calm can feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means your normal needs a reset.
You shut down or go numb when things get hard . Emotional shutdown can be a survival strategy, but it also shuts out joy, connection, and healing.
You mistrust kindness. If kindness was always followed by control, manipulation, or abandonment, it’s hard to believe someone could care without an agenda.
Do any of these blind spots resonate with you? If so, you’re not alone—and it doesn’t make you weak. It means you’ve been protecting yourself the best way you knew how. These habits were likely formed in survival mode, during times when your voice, feelings, or needs weren’t safe to express.
The good news? You’re not stuck there. You can notice these patterns without shame, and that awareness is the first real step toward healing. You don’t have to fix everything overnight. You just have to begin seeing clearly—one truth at a time.
The Science of Looking Inward
Research shows that people with high self-awareness:
Have better relationships
Handle stress more effectively
Are more likely to break unhealthy patterns
Psychologist Dr. Tasha Eurich, author of Insight, found that while 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10–15% actually are. She divides self-awareness into two types:
Internal self-awareness: how clearly you see your values, passions, and reactions
External self-awareness: how accurately you understand how others see you
Both matter. And both can be developed with intention.
What Self-Awareness Actually Looks Like
When we talk about self-awareness, we’re not talking about becoming someone new—we’re talking about finally seeing who you really are.
That includes two powerful pieces:
1. Internal Self-Awareness
This means understanding what’s going on inside you—your thoughts, emotions, triggers, fears, hopes, and patterns.
You don’t have to be perfect at it. You just have to be willing to pause and ask:
Why did that bother me so much?
What was I feeling in that moment?
Am I reacting out of pain… or responding from a place of peace?
Here’s what that might look like in real life:
You get angry at your partner for not helping with dinner. On the surface, it looks like a normal fight—but if you dig deeper, you realize what hurt wasn’t the dishes. It was feeling unseen, like your hard work didn’t matter. That’s internal self-awareness—being able to name the real emotion underneath the one that came out.
Or maybe you cancel plans last-minute. You tell yourself it’s because you’re tired—but a few minutes later, you realize the truth: you were afraid of being judged. That’s another moment of internal awareness. You’re learning to tell the truth to yourself, without shame.
2. External Self-Awareness
This is how well you understand how others see you—not just how you think they see you, but how you actually show up in the world.
It doesn’t mean living for their approval. It means knowing how your words, tone, energy, and choices affect the people around you.
In everyday life, it might look like this:
You notice your friend shuts down when you interrupt. Instead of getting defensive, you pause and say, “I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to talk over you.” That’s external self-awareness in action. You saw how your behavior landed, and you adjusted with kindness.
Or maybe you walk into a room already assuming everyone dislikes you. But later, a coworker says, “I always feel calm when you’re around.” That feedback challenges your inner critic—and helps you build a more accurate picture of how people actually experience you.
Internal awareness helps you know your own heart.
External awareness helps you show up in the world with clarity and kindness.
You don’t need to master it overnight. Just start noticing. A moment of awareness is a moment of power.
Why Self-Awareness Feels So Uncomfortable
Let’s be honest: noticing the truth about yourself doesn’t always feel good.
You might start to see habits you picked up from survival. You might realize you’ve hurt people you love. Or that you’ve been living your life based on fear, not freedom. That’s hard.
But here’s the thing: discomfort is not the enemy—it’s part of waking up.
Think about it like this:
When you first stretch sore muscles, it hurts—but that’s how healing begins.
When you clean out a closet, you have to pull everything out and face the mess—but that’s the only way to organize it.
When you open your eyes in the dark, the light hurts—but you adjust. You see more clearly. You walk with fewer bumps.
Self-awareness works the same way.
It might sting to realize that:
You’ve been people-pleasing because you were scared of rejection.
You get defensive because you grew up being blamed for everything.
You struggle to connect with your kids or partner because you never had emotional safety growing up.
That’s not weakness. That’s truth showing up—and truth leads to freedom.
And here's the best part:
You can notice these things without self-hate. You can see your patterns and still love yourself. You can look at the mess and say, “This is not who I want to be forever, but it’s who I’ve been—and now I get to grow.”
You are not your past habits. You are the person becoming brave enough to look at them.
Support on Your Journey
Becoming more self-aware can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes, it helps to talk through what you’re noticing with someone who understands.
That’s why I offer Next Step Coaching—a space to figure out where you are, what you want, and how to move forward one doable step at a time. We use SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) to create real-life progress.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need to take the next step.
[Book a Next Step Coaching Session – Let’s work on this together.]
Healing & Journaling Tool: “What I’m Starting to Notice About Me”
Prompt: Write down moments from this past week when you noticed something about yourself you hadn’t seen before.
What happened, and how did you react?
Was it an internal awareness (a feeling, a thought, a pattern)?
Or was it external (how you were seen or how someone responded to you)?
How did that new awareness make you feel?
What might you want to do differently next time?
You’re not writing to judge yourself. You’re writing to learn and grow.
(This prompt will be saved to your journal doc.)
You’re Not Behind—You’re Becoming
Do any of the blind spots or patterns we talked about today sound familiar? If so, that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you brave for noticing.
Self-awareness isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. The more you see, the more you can choose—who you are, how you live, and what you want your life to feel like.
You are not stuck. You’re just starting to see the door. And you are strong enough to open it.
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