Rebuilding Intimacy After Divorce
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Aug 18
- 6 min read
After a divorce, people often confuse the word intimacy with sex. But true intimacy isn’t about physical acts.
It’s about closeness. It’s about connection
It's about safety.
It’s the warm hug from a friend when your heart is breaking.
It’s a child leaning against you while you watch a movie.
It’s laughing with someone at the dinner table.
It’s sitting shoulder to shoulder in quiet, and still feeling understood.
When a marriage ends—especially one filled with betrayal, silence, or distance—intimacy is often the first thing lost… and the last thing we feel safe trying to rebuild.
But we need it. Every one of us.
Why Intimacy Feels So Hard After Divorce
When someone you love breaks your trust, your body and mind go into protection mode. You may tell yourself:
“I can’t let anyone in again.”
“If I get close, I’ll just get hurt.”
“I’m better off alone.”
“People leave. That’s what they do.”
These thoughts are natural. They’re survival instincts . But over time, isolation becomes a cage.
You weren’t made to live disconnected from others. We need laughter, affection, and a sense of community. We need to sit on a couch with someone who won’t judge us. We need to feel like someone sees us—and stays.
What Intimacy Really Means
Let’s redefine intimacy. It’s not a romantic partner. It’s not kissing. It’s not sex. It’s connection.
Intimacy means:
Being vulnerable and still feeling safe
Sharing laughter, silence, or grief without performance
Physical presence that says, “I’m here and I care.”
Allowing others to see you and not turn away
You can rebuild intimacy with:
Your kids
A close friend
A pet
Your parent, sibling, or neighbor
A trusted support group
Even yourself
It starts with one small act of connection. This is why some people get emotional support animals. To start building a connection with something. After my divorce, my kids got emotional support animals
Isolation Is the Enemy of Healing
Divorce often leaves people isolated—by shame, fear, financial hardship, or betrayal. You may feel like no one understands. You may want to hide from the world. You may have pulled away from the very people who want to support you.
But staying disconnected for too long only makes the pain louder. We were created for community.
The healing process begins when you slowly open the door again—just a crack—and let one person in.
The Power of Non-Sexual Touch
Human touch holds a power we often overlook. After a divorce, many of us go without it for months—or even years.
You might not realize how much you miss it until a friend hugs you, and suddenly, your entire body exhales, releasing tension you didn't even know you were holding.
Touch matters. It’s more than just a physical connection—it’s a source of calm. It sends a message to your nervous system: “You’re safe.” It makes you feel less isolated, less alone in the world.
Simple Examples of Non-Sexual Intimacy:
Hugging a friend
Holding hands with your child
Sitting next to a loved one
A supportive pat on the back
Leaning on someone during prayer or grief
Sharing space during laughter or tears
These small, everyday moments build intimacy in ways that heal. Never underestimate the comfort a hug can bring—or how much courage it takes to let yourself receive one.
I grew up in a family that didn’t do hugs. Love wasn't ever expressed. So when I moved to West Virginia for a job, I was shocked by the openness and warmth of the people. It felt like everyone knew each other their whole lives, even if they’d just met.
On my first day, my supervisor took me to meet his boss. Without warning, he hugged me. A total stranger. My boss's boss. He hugged me. I was stunned and uncomfortable. But it wasn’t inappropriate—it was the genuine, friendly nature of the people in that part of the world.
What I soon realized was that, my whole life, I had been missing something essential—intimacy. I didn’t even know what I was lacking until I experienced it. There was Skip, my cubicle mate. He was a hugger. No bad day was too heavy to lift with a hug. I had never had someone take the time to hug the bad days away.
I wasn’t comfortable with hugs at first. I told Skip I didn’t really hug—just my kids and my ex-husband. But he taught me that hugs weren’t just side-hugs or one-handed gestures. Those don’t really count. A hug is something deeper—it’s a connection.
Because of Skip and the people of West Virginia, I now understand the power of a hug outside of family. It’s something the world desperately needs more of. Now, I hug someone who’s going through a tough time. I hug when I say goodbye. I hug when I feel it’s right.
I’ve come to realize that, in a place where hugging is the norm, people live vibrant lives well into their 90s, still doing the things they love. And maybe, just maybe, it’s those little moments of human connection—those tiny acts of intimacy—that make all the difference.
Rebuilding Intimacy with Your Children
Children crave connection after divorce, too. They need closeness, safety, and reassurance that even though the family structure changed, love did not.
You rebuild intimacy with your kids by:
Sitting down to dinner and talking—no phones
Reading together at bedtime
Watching a movie under a shared blanket
Tickling, laughing, or play-wrestling
Asking, “How was your day?”—and listening
Creating small family traditions (like pancakes on Saturday)
These aren’t just activities. They’re invitations. They say, “You still have a safe place with me.” Electronics can prevent this from happening. So when I have my kids or grandkids, we have a few electronic boundaries. Dinner table, NO electronics, which is also hard for me. Going to and from activities, they can play with electronics, BUT during the activities, no electronics unless they are taking pictures. Going out to eat is expensive these days. So when I go out, I want to enjoy myself with the people I'm with.
Rebuilding Intimacy with Friends
Maybe you haven’t had a close friend in years. Maybe you feel like people took sides. Maybe you stopped reaching out because everything felt too heavy.
Friendship is one of the most healing forms of intimacy. It doesn’t need to be deep right away.
Start with:
Coffee
A walk
A shared activity (like crafting, volunteering, or a book club)
A phone call
A meal with a neighbor
If you’re afraid of being a burden, remember this: the people who love you want to be there. You don’t have to come with everything figured out. You just have to show up—and let them show up, too.
Rebuilding Intimacy with Yourself
Divorce can make you feel like a stranger to yourself. You may feel disconnected from your body, your needs, your desires, or your reflection in the mirror.
Rebuilding intimacy with yourself is a tender and powerful practice.
Try:
Sitting with your own thoughts without judgment
Writing in a journal like you’re your own best friend
Holding your own hand in prayer or meditation
Looking in the mirror and saying, “You’re worth loving”
Treating yourself to something kind (a walk, a meal, a gift, a nap)
Loving yourself isn’t always easy—but it’s the most intimate relationship you’ll ever have.
Rebuilding Intimacy with God
You may have felt like God was absent when your marriage fell apart. You may have blamed Him. You may have felt like He didn’t answer your prayers.
But intimacy with God doesn’t start with perfection. It starts with presence.
You can rebuild spiritual intimacy by:
Talking to Him like a friend
Sitting in silence with your questions
Crying in prayer
Letting music, scripture, or nature soften your heart
Saying, “God, I don’t understand, but I want to know You’re here”
God’s intimacy is gentle.He doesn’t force. He invites.And even if you whisper from the bottom of your heartbreak—He hears.
What You Can Try Today
You don’t need to fix everything overnight.Here are small steps you can take today to begin rebuilding intimacy after divorce:
Reach out to one person you trust and schedule a short visit or call
Offer or ask for a hug—from your child, a friend, or a loved one
Share a meal with someone instead of eating alone
Sit on the couch with your child or family member—no distractions
Write a letter to yourself affirming your worth and capacity for love
Tell someone, “I miss you” or “I appreciate you.”
Pray honestly, even if all you say is, “I’m lonely. Please meet me here.”
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
At Surviving Life Lessons, we know how hard it is to let yourself feel again after being hurt. However, we also know that healing occurs when you find safe people and safe spaces, and begin allowing connections again.
Our support groups are filled with people just like you—rediscovering how to be open without being overwhelmed, how to connect without fear, and how to rebuild intimacy in ways that feel safe, honest, and life-giving.
Come join us.
You don’t have to navigate this road alone.
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