Rebuilding Stability for Your Kids After Divorce
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Jul 14
- 9 min read
One of the hardest parts of divorce isn’t what happens to you—it’s watching what it does to your kids. Whether you were the one who left, were left, or tried everything to make it work. Your children are inevitably caught in the middle of the change. And, like you, they’re grieving too.
They don’t just lose a parent in the house. They lose the predictable elements of their lives: routines, traditions, family dinners, bedtime rituals. Sometimes, they lose their room, their school, or even their sense of safety. It’s an overwhelming sense of displacement.
And even if you’re barely hanging on yourself, you’re the one they turn to for stability.
You’re not going to do it perfectly. They see how this is affecting you. Sometimes, the emotional connection is lost. But you can do it well. And that starts with one simple focus: Predictability + Presence = Safety.
What Kids Need Most Isn’t Fancy. It’s Consistency.
Consistency creates security.
Your kids don’t need expensive outings or extravagant plans to feel secure. They need you to show up—in small, predictable ways—that help create a safe space amid the uncertainty. They need to know that, despite the changes in their world, some things will remain steady.
Small, everyday routines might not seem like much, but they provide a foundation that helps your kids feel more grounded. In the chaos of divorce, these small acts of consistency can make a big difference in their emotional health.
Here’s how it can look in real life:
Eating together, even if it’s just a quick cereal breakfast or a rushed dinner. When electronics aren't at the table, kids talk. There's joy in the small talk.
Bedtime routines to provide that reassuring structure, even when the world around them feels like it’s in chaos.
Expressing love consistently—saying “I love you” when they leave in the morning, and saying it again when they come home.
Clarifying logistics: Knowing who will pick them up after school or who they’ll be with over the weekend creates security, eliminating unnecessary uncertainty.
For me, consistency was one of the only thing I could offer them in the aftermath of the divorce. Even as I was trying to finish my master's degree, manage a full-time job, and navigate the emotional fallout of the divorce, I knew I had to maintain a sense of routine and stability for them. Routine was the only thing I felt like I could give them through it all.
Don’t Wait for the Other Parent to Get It Right
Co-parenting is one of the hardest parts of divorce—especially when your ex is absent, inconsistent, or even downright hostile. It’s natural to feel frustrated when things feel out of your control. But here’s the hard truth: You can’t control their parenting—you can only control your own.
If your ex doesn’t enforce homework rules, provide healthy meals, or create a stable environment, don’t feel the need to “overcompensate” or try to fix everything. Instead, focus on creating a stable, supportive home environment where your child feels anchored.
Even if the other parent’s house feels unpredictable or chaotic, your home can be a place of refuge. It’s okay if things aren’t perfect. Your kids will remember where they felt safe, loved, and understood.
Handle Big Feelings With Small Words
After divorce, kids may have big, complicated emotions they can’t quite put into words. They might not say, “I’m grieving the loss of my family structure,” but they are grieving.
You may notice behaviors like:
Acting out or tantrums
Being clingy or distant
Struggling in school
Regression (e.g., wetting the bed, baby talk, refusing independence)
What can you do? Acknowledge their feelings with simple, calm language. Kids need to know their feelings are valid, and the best way to help them is by naming their emotions and offering comfort.
Try saying:
“It’s okay to be mad.”
“You’re safe here, and I’m here for you.”
“I know it feels weird without Dad/Mom. It’s a big change.”
“I know today is hard, but we’ll get through it together.”
These small words go a long way. They help your child feel heard, understood, and less alone in their emotional journey. And when you model calmness, your child learns how to handle their emotions with more stability and resilience.
How I Tried Building Stability For Kids After Divorce
AAfter the divorce, things didn’t always go smoothly. I know firsthand how tough it is when you’re suddenly left to handle everything on your own—especially when one of my kids became angry and acted out, while the other withdrew into his world of video games. On top of that, I was juggling the needs of adult children navigating their own struggles. And let’s not forget I was managing a broken kitchen that my ex gutted before leaving, working full-time, finishing my MBA, and trying to cope with my own emotional toll. To be honest, I wish I could say I handled everything perfectly with my four kids.
There’s a huge emotional toll on children when their family structure falls apart. I watched my high-schooler get involved with the wrong crowd—angry, resentful, and constantly feeling misunderstood. Meanwhile, my middle schooler clung to me, unable to let go, wanting to be near me every second. Both of them withdrew in their own ways, and it showed in their behavior. It was heartbreaking. Counseling works if they’re willing to talk. But they didn’t.
It’s easy, in moments like these, to feel frustrated or angry at their big emotions. But as difficult as it was, I learned to meet them with a soft voice and understanding.
When my high-schooler lashed out in anger, I reminded myself that their frustration wasn’t really about me—it was about the situation. I made sure they knew their feelings were valid, but that expressing them in healthy ways was important.
With my middle schooler, I offered love, support, and reassurance. We created a method called "hug and release"—letting him hug when he needed it, but also making sure that after the hug, he would go off and do something else. Eventually, those hugs stopped coming, and that hurt, too. But I kept offering love, even when he started pulling away.
Through all the chaos, the one thing I could always offer was stability at home. I didn’t let the turmoil affect the routines we kept in place. Even though the kids were struggling, I spent time reminding them that, despite everything, my love for them was unwavering. They needed to know that their behavior, no matter how difficult, wasn’t going to make me love them any less. They needed to know that I was not going to abandon them. I didn’t always have the time or energy to be there for them the way I would have liked, but I focused on providing stability and love, and that’s what mattered most.
With my middle schooler, I tried my best to offering love, support and reassurance. I did what I called “hug and release” —letting him hug when he needed it, but then he had to release and go do something. Eventually, those hugs stopped coming, and that hurt too. But I kept offering them the assurance of love, even when they were pulling away.
But the one thing I could always offer was stability within our home. I didn’t let the chaos affect the routines we kept in place. Even though the kids were struggling, I spent time letting my kids know that despite the chaos, my love for them was unwavering. They need to know that their behavior, no matter how difficult, wasn’t going to make me love them less. I tried to ensure they had routines in the home. I wasn't there for them like I would loved to have been for all my kids during that time. However, I tried to provide them with stability and love.
Supporting Adult Children After Divorce
Divorce doesn’t just affect your younger children, but also your adult children, the complexities are even deeper. As an adult, your children may be processing their own emotions about the divorce in ways that you might not expect.
One of my adult children was deeply hurt by my ex, after my ex shunned him and his family. He felt rejected and abandoned simply because he disagreed with his father's actions and moral choices. Meanwhile, my daughter found herself caught in the middle, torn between both parents. She longed for her father’s love and attention, despite witnessing the damage he had caused me. Trying to play the neutral ground took a toll on her—trying to protect both of us only ended up hurting both in the process. She wasn't honest with either of us about the emotional strain she was carrying.
It’s incredibly difficult for adult children to deal with their estranged parents. One of the hardest parts of their parents divorcing is trying to keep them out of the middle of the conflict. They’re going through their own lives and dealing with their own struggles. It’s especially hard for them because they love both parents. They don’t want to choose, and they don’t want to be the confidant or the one giving advice. They see the pain it causes you, but they can’t discuss their own pain because they know it would only add to yours. So, they often don’t have a way to process the grief of their parents splitting.
Your older children still need to know they are loved. You still have to offer consistency and predictability—they need to feel like, when they come home, it’s still home. As holidays in that first year change, they want to be part of the decisions. They want to talk about what things should stay the same and what new traditions might be created. They’re more open to celebrating early, later, or at a different time—they just need to feel involved.
They’ll want to visit, to return to familiar places, and feel the same sense of comfort they always did. That feeling of “home” can still be there—it’s about creating a space where they know they can always come to, no matter how much has changed in their lives.
Help Them Feel Like They Still Belong
A common emotional struggle for kids after divorce is feeling like they’ve lost their place in the world.
They often carry guilt or confusion:
“Was this my fault?”
“If I was better, maybe they wouldn’t have left.”
This can be especially true if the divorce involved anger, blame, or misunderstandings between parents. It’s crucial to constantly reassure your child that they are loved by both parents and that the divorce wasn’t their fault.
Also, help them feel like they still belong, no matter the changes. This may mean:
Give them something they can control: Like letting them decorate their new room.
Keeping familiar traditions: Friday night movie nights or pancake Sundays can feel like a touchstone in an otherwise uncertain world.
Creating new rituals: What new traditions can you start together? Maybe it’s Sunday afternoon walks, or having a monthly “family fun day,” where you do something fun together, no matter how simple.
Belonging doesn’t come from where you live—it comes from how you live, and how intentional you are about making them feel loved and secure, no matter the circumstances.
What You Can Try Today
Building stability and a new sense of normalcy for your kids after divorce doesn’t happen overnight, but there are small steps you can take today that will have a lasting impact. Here are some ideas to get started:
Create a Simple Daily Routine:Establish a visible routine for mornings, after school, and bedtime. Post it somewhere in the house where everyone can see it. This serves as a constant reminder that some things stay the same.
Keep a Family Tradition:Choose one tradition that you will continue from your old family life (e.g., pizza night, game night) and one new tradition you’ll start together as a family. Having something to look forward to creates a sense of anticipation and stability.
Create a “Safe Words” List:These are short phrases you can use when your child is stressed or upset. It could be something simple like “You’re safe here,” or “It’s okay to feel upset, but we’ll get through it.”
Write a Letter to Your Child:Write a brief, reassuring note to your child, reminding them that they didn’t cause the divorce and that both parents still love them. This note can be something they can read when they’re feeling confused or upset.
Say This to Yourself:“I don’t have to make this perfect. I just have to keep showing up.” This mantra will help you release the pressure to “get it all right” and give yourself grace in the process.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
No parent gets it all right, especially not during a divorce. But here’s the thing: Every time you show up with stability, kindness, and patience, you’re giving your child exactly what they need. It’s the steady presence in the midst of the storm that helps them build resilience and trust.
At Surviving Life Lessons, we offer support for single parents navigating tough circumstances like divorce. If you need encouragement, tools, or just a place where someone gets it, you’re welcome here.
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