How to Forgive the Ex – Even When They Don’t Deserve It

Deborah Ann Martin
Sep 1
7 min read

A woman sits peacefully on a rock by a reflective mountain river, surrounded by trees and icy peaks. The serene landscape symbolizes healing, inner peace, and moving forward—aligning with the journey of forgiving an ex and finding emotional freedom. — Healing is beautiful when you finally let go.

When you're reeling from betrayal, heartbreak, or abandonment, the idea of forgiveness can feel impossible—even insulting. Why should you be the one to let go when they are the ones who lied, cheated, or walked away?

But forgiveness after a breakup?? After lies, emotional abuse, or manipulation?? Yes, because it isn't about letting your ex off the hook. It’s about setting yourself free.

Whether you’re trying to heal from a toxic relationship, rebuild your self-worth after a painful divorce, or release resentment that’s been poisoning your peace, forgiveness is one of the most powerful forms of emotional self-care.

Why Forgiveness Isn’t About Them

If you wait until your ex apologizes or changes, you might wait forever. Forgiveness is a personal choice. It’s not for them, it’s for you.

It frees your mind from replaying the same arguments and memories.
It breaks the emotional tie that keeps them in your thoughts.
It protects your health from the stress and tension resentment creates.

Forgiveness is like setting down a heavy bag you’ve been carrying. The weight was never helping you—it was slowing you down.

Common Misconceptions About Forgiving an Ex

Forgiving Means Reconciliation. No, it means you’ve decided to move forward, whether they’re in your life or not.
Forgiveness Lets Them “Win” This isn’t a competition. You win by reclaiming your energy.
You Have to Forget What happened. You don’t. You can forgive and still set boundaries to protect yourself.
It Happens Instantly Forgiveness is often a process you revisit over time.

The Health & Mental Benefits of Forgiving Your Ex

When you forgive your ex, it’s like taking a heavy backpack off your shoulders. You may not notice it right away, but your body and mind begin to feel lighter and healthier. The weight of the backpack has been holding you back in all sorts of ways.

Studies show that forgiveness can:

Lower blood pressure and protect your heart. When you're stuck in anger and stress keeps your body on high alert. The releases stress chemicals and keeps the body in a flight or fight state for a long period of time. Forgiving helps calm your system and makes your heart stronger.
Reduce anxiety and depression. Letting go of hurt and stress clears up space for more peace and quiet in your mind.
Improve sleep. Your head stops buzzing with "What if?" and "Why?" when you're not reliving the pain, figuring out your next words or steps. When you’re not replaying arguments or hurts in your head, it’s easier to relax and get the deep rest your body needs.
Strengthen your immune system. A calmer mind helps your body fight off germs more easily. Stress wears your body down, but forgiveness helps your system recover, so you get sick less often.
Lift your self-confidence. When you choose to forgive, it’s a bold move that puts you in control. Even if the other person doesn’t care or notice, the act of forgiving gives you power over your own life. You’re no longer letting the situation or their actions define how you feel. That choice builds confidence and reminds you that your happiness is yours to claim.
Free you from the past. Letting go of old pain can free your mind from constant worry and sadness. You stop reliving the hurt over and over and start looking ahead to calmer moments and peace. Your relaxed and focused mind now has the opportunity to start focusing on what you enjoy.
Builds resilience. You’re not giving up—you're becoming stronger. Forgiveness reshapes how you see yourself and your ex, helping you bounce back with kindness and confidence.
Lead to feeling happier and more satisfied in life. When you let go, life opens up with more joy, better relationships, and more support.
Bring mental clarity and peace. You stop fueling anger and instead make room for calm, confidence, and resilience.
Boost Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem. Forgiveness—especially self-forgiveness—can help lift self-esteem and improve social skills.

Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean you’re excusing what happened. It means you’re choosing your peace over pain and that choice has real benefits for your health and happiness. You're freeing yourself to feel lighter, calmer, and stronger.

Step-by-Step Guide: How to Forgive Your Ex and Move On

Here are some helpful ways to start the process. There is NEVER a one-size-fits-all for any healing. Use these to help you start exploring the forgiving process. These are some of the steps I took.

1. Feel the Pain Fully

You can’t heal what you avoid. Let yourself grieve. Cry, journal, scream into a pillow if you have to. This is part of the process.

2. Understand What You’re Forgiving

Forgiveness starts by recognizing exactly what happened and how it hurt you. Name it. Are you forgiving betrayal? Gaslighting? Abandonment? Being specific helps you express your thoughts more clearly.

3. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Healing

Forgiveness doesn’t mean giving them access to you. It means closing the door with peace. Unfollow. Mute. Block. Limit contact. This isn’t about revenge, it’s about creating space for peace.

4. Speak Forgiveness Out Loud (Even If Just to Yourself)

You don’t have to tell your ex, but you can say it to yourself: "I forgive you for what you did, and I release this pain from my life."

5. Release the Expectation of an Apology

Sometimes, the person who hurt you won’t see it the same way you do. Forgive anyway.

6. Accept What You Can’t Control

You can't rewrite the past or make someone understand your hurt. You get to choose your next steps. You get to choose your responses now.

7. Replace Resentment with Self-Love

When you're triggered, do something kind for yourself: take a walk, text a friend, repeat an affirmation. Healing happens in those small, loving moments. Think of this as an act of kindness for yourself, not them.

Use Forgiveness as a Form of Self-Care

Forgiveness isn’t weak. It’s not giving up. It’s you choosing to stop bleeding from wounds someone else caused.

You are not foolish for loving deeply. You are not broken because someone couldn’t love you right. You are brave for choosing peace over pain.

You Deserve Freedom, Not Bitterness

Forgiveness is not a one-time decision—it’s a daily practice. And some days, it may feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. That’s okay. Progress isn’t always linear.

Keep choosing your peace.

You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to move forward. You are allowed to be free.

My Journey with Forgiveness

When you think about forgiving your ex, you might feel a knot in your stomach. They lied, cheated, abandoned you, or betrayed your trust.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re excusing what happened. It means you’re choosing not to carry the pain every single day. You’re choosing to release your ex from your mental and emotional space. For me, this was hard. I kept forgiving him and his mistress regularly. I hate lying, and when I felt like it was a constant during that period, it made me angry. Then I had to forgive myself for being angry and say it over and over again in my head.

It was difficult for me to say the words, “I choose.” I chose to forgive them for me. I wanted peace in my head and heart. They didn’t deserve the mental space I was giving them with the conversations in my head. I chose to forgive them for my kids. My kids deserved the peace. It was bad enough to have parents apart and their lives turned upside down.

Every time they ticked me off, I had to keep choosing, keep forgiving, keep striving to be me despite them. Years later, sometimes I am doing something and I am hit with something negative from that time. I have to quickly say, “Nope, not thinking of that.” Then I tell it out loud, “I forgive you.”

A Final Thought: You Got This

Healing is not easy, and forgiveness is often one of the hardest parts. But every time you choose peace over pain, you grow stronger. You are not defined by what happened to you—you are defined by how you rise above it.

There will be moments when the past tries to pull you back. In those moments, remind yourself why you started this journey. You deserve happiness, calm, and freedom. You are capable of healing. You are worthy of peace.

So take a deep breath, trust yourself, and keep moving forward. You’ve got this.

What You Can Try Today

Forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once. It starts with little choices that make room for peace.

Try one of these small steps:

Flip the focus. Write down three things you’ve gained (like strength, independence, or clarity) since the breakup. Notice how you’re already growing.
Take back your power. Each time your ex pops into your thoughts, pause and say: “I choose peace. I’m in control, not this memory.”
Practice self-kindness. Do one small act of care for yourself—take a walk, cook something you love, or listen to music that lifts you up. Remind yourself you deserve this.
Visualize release. Close your eyes and picture placing the hurt in a balloon. Imagine it floating away, lighter and lighter, until it disappears into the sky.x.

You’re Not Alone in This

At Surviving Life Lessons, we know that choosing to forgive someone who hurt you can feel impossible—but it’s also one of the most empowering steps in healing. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and you don’t have to rush. Every small choice to let go is a victory.

Join our community to share your experiences, ask questions, and connect with others who are on the same journey. Here, you can explore forgiveness at your own pace, celebrate your progress, and gain support without judgment.

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