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Letting Go of Expectations After Divorce or Ending a Relationship


Father and three kids kayaking together, enjoying quality time outdoors and making memories, showing up for the kids after relationship ends is the moments that count.
Showing up for the kids after a relationship ends is the moment that counts.


Divorce doesn’t just separate two people—it separates dreams, routines, and expectations.You may have imagined a clean break, shared responsibilities, or some mutual respect. Instead, you’re left dealing with broken promises, inconsistent support, and the heavy weight of what you thought would happen but didn’t.


Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re protecting your peace from constant disappointment.


Letting Go of the Expectation That Everything Will Be Fair


When a relationship ends, especially when kids are involved, fairness is a major expectation. You want things to be equitable, you want the process to be balanced, and you want to feel like you’re both working toward the same goal. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always serve up fairness on a silver platter.


You might have hoped for:

  • Equal division of time with the kids

  • Fair financial contributions

  • A clear, straightforward co-parenting agreement

  • Both parents are putting the kids’ needs first


But instead, you might encounter:

  • One parent is doing the bare minimum while the other takes on most of the responsibility

  • Financial strain, with one parent pulling their weight and the other avoiding it

  • A complicated, unclear co-parenting plan

  • One parent using the kids as leverage or pawns

  • Or, worse, one parent stepping back completely, leaving you to shoulder everything


Letting go of the expectation that everything will be fair is hard. It can feel like you’re being taken advantage of, or like you’re stuck carrying the entire weight of the situation. But the truth is, fairness is often a moving target. What feels fair to one person may not feel fair to the other. And while it’s essential to advocate for yourself and your kids, part of moving forward is accepting that things won’t always be equal—and that’s okay.


Choosing to let go of this expectation doesn’t mean you’ve given up on fairness. It simply means you’re giving yourself the space to adapt, to focus on what is in your control, and to stop waiting for someone else to meet you halfway.


When They Leave, For Some, So Do Their Responsibilities


It’s one of the hardest realizations: someone who once shared the load with you has stopped showing up—not just emotionally, but in the day-to-day responsibilities that affect you both.


You may have expected them to:

  • Pick up the kids on time

  • Pay child or spousal support consistently

  • Help with house repairs or yard work

  • Stay involved in school events, sports, or daily routines

  • Show up for birthdays and holidays

  • Communicate calmly and respectfully for the kids' sake


But instead, you might experience:

  • Last-minute cancellations or no-shows

  • Missed payments with no explanation

  • Silence or avoidance when it comes to responsibilities

  • A complete absence from your child’s daily life

  • Neglect during important milestones or special moments

  • Passive-aggressive texts—or worse, total ghosting


It’s painful when someone leaves, but it’s even more devastating when they leave everything behind—especially the responsibilities they once shared. You expected a partnership, a co-parenting team. What you got instead was abandonment in the areas that matter most. They walked out on you, but you never expected them to walk out on their responsibilities as well.


Letting Go of Expectations When You’re the One Who’s Left


Leaving a relationship—especially one marked by abuse—is never a smooth process. Even if you made the decision to walk away for your own safety and the safety of your children, you couldn’t possibly know what would come next. All you focused on at that moment was getting to safety.


You might have expected:

  • Respect for your boundaries

  • A reasonable approach to co-parenting

  • Fair asset division

  • Emotional space and distance

  • Shared concern for the well-being of your children

  • A gradual, mutual detachment from each other


But what you might face instead is:

  • Retaliation or guilt-tripping

  • A never-ending legal battle over everything

  • Financial control tactics or spite

  • Rumors, harassment, or manipulation

  • Blame being placed on the kids

  • A fierce custody battle

  • Someone resenting you for choosing yourself


If you were the one who left, don’t expect peace right away. The other person may be hurt, angry, or in denial, and you’ll likely feel the weight of that in ways you didn’t anticipate. This is why many people who leave abusive relationships seek out support groups. You were incredibly brave to take that step, but now it’s time to be brave enough to lean on others. Seek the help you need to navigate the next chapter of your life.


Letting Go of the Expectation That They’ll Still Be the Same Parent


This might be one of the hardest expectations to release: the belief that the other parent will continue to show up for the kids as they used to. When you lived together, they were a good parent—present, involved, loving. So when the relationship ends, it’s natural to assume they left you, not the children. That’s the hope you hold onto.


But sometimes, that’s not how it plays out. Some people don’t just walk away from a relationship—they walk away from the life that came with it. And painfully, that can include the kids.


Suddenly, you find yourself doing it all:

  • Making the meals

  • Packing the lunches

  • Handling the school emails

  • Signing them up for activities

  • Helping with homework

  • Scheduling the doctor visits

  • Holding their tears when the other parent forgets to call

  • Trying to answer questions you don’t have answers to

  • Sitting with their heartbreak while hiding your own


It’s lonely. It’s heavy. And it’s exhausting. You weren’t supposed to do this alone, but now you are. Because someone else stepped back, forcing you to step up.


And yes, they might still pop in from time to time, when it’s convenient or when it looks good. But the truth you may have to face is this: they might never be the parent they once were.



Letting go of that expectation doesn’t mean you’re okay with it. It means you’re choosing to focus on what’s in your control, not what’s out of it. You're focusing your energy where it matters—on your kids, and on the role you can control. It’s not fair. It’s not easy. But it’s freeing.


Letting Go of The Expectation that Co-Parenting Will Go Smooth


Letting Go of the Expectation That Co-Parenting Will Be Smooth

When you got married, perhaps it was a case of “opposites attract.” And while that dynamic may have worked in a romantic relationship, it often becomes more complicated when co-parenting after a separation. For some, co-parenting flows with relative ease—but for most, it requires patience, effort, and a shared commitment to putting the children first.


One of the first expectations to release is the idea that your co-parent will run their household like you do. You might be the structured one—routines, healthy meals, early bedtimes—while the other parent may take a more relaxed, go-with-the-flow approach. This contrast can be frustrating, but it's also common. Successful co-parenting often means finding a middle ground and agreeing on a few non-negotiable values or rules that both homes will follow. It’s about communication, compromise, and mutual respect—not control.


Finances can also highlight differences. One parent may be adjusting to a tighter budget, while the other seems to take on the role of the "Santa Claus" parent, able to spend more freely. This imbalance can stir up resentment, but again, it's another reminder to focus on what matters most: stability, love, and consistency for your children.


Letting go of the expectation that co-parenting will be seamless allows you to approach it with more grace and flexibility. It won’t always be easy, but with the right mindset, it can still be deeply effective and rewarding.


Letting Go of the Fantasy That It’ll Go Back to Normal


Some expectations are silent fantasies:

  • That they’ll come back around

  • That you’ll someday co-parent like best friends

  • That holidays won’t feel awkward forever

  • That your kids will adjust quickly

  • That your home won’t feel so empty


But here’s the truth: it doesn’t go back to “normal.” That version of life is gone. And while that’s painful, it’s also part of moving forward. You’re allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d have.


Even if you reconcile—whether it’s a tentative truce or a full-blown reunion—it will never be the same. Both of you have changed, and the experiences you’ve gone through together and apart have reshaped you. Rebuilding a life together means having new conversations, setting new boundaries, and perhaps even addressing old wounds. There’s a chance that, in time, the relationship can evolve into something better, but it won’t be the same as it was before.


Maybe now, you don’t speak at all, or when you do, the conversations are brief, awkward, or sometimes bitter. You once shared jokes, memories, and a life. Now, you’re just navigating a custody schedule, trying to figure out how to make it work.


That emotional gap takes time to accept. But every time you stop expecting things to return to how they were, you make space for a new chapter—one that, together or apart, builds a life from where you are now, not from where you once were.


Why Expectations Hurt So Much


Expectations tie your emotions to someone else’s behavior. You’re hoping they’ll do what you want or be who you thought they used to be—whether that’s picking up the kids, showing up for important moments, or taking responsibility in ways they haven’t.


The hurt comes when they don’t follow through. You feel betrayed, angry, abandoned, or even foolish. But it’s not just the absence of the action that causes pain—it’s the gap between what you hoped for and what’s real.


The emotional fallout of unmet expectations looks like:

  • Disappointment

  • Bitterness

  • Anxiety

  • Exhaustion

  • Burnout

  • Constant stress

  • Sadness masked as anger


And on top of all that, you may start questioning your own worth. But the deeper truth is this: the hurt isn’t about you failing—it’s about expecting them to be someone they aren’t anymore.


When you hold on to these expectations, you’re not just feeling hurt by what they don’t do—you’re also holding yourself back from facing the real challenges ahead. You can’t fully engage with what is because you’re stuck on what should be. You can’t move forward if you’re still expecting them to do something they’re no longer capable of—or willing to do. And that’s why letting go of these expectations is so important: it frees you up to face reality, without being trapped in a cycle of disappointment. It’s only when you let go that you can start dealing with what’s actually in front of you, not the ghost of what could have been.


Letting Go of Expectations as a Loss: How to Grieve What Could Have Been


Letting go of expectations isn’t just a mental shift—it’s a loss. A loss of what you hoped for, what you believed could be, and the person you thought you’d be sharing that future with. And like any loss, it requires grief.


Grief isn’t always about the end of something tangible—it can also be about the loss of a dream, a hope, or a vision of the future. When you let go of the expectation that someone will be who you thought they were, you’re mourning the idea of what that person could have been. And that hurts. You may feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief, and all of those emotions are part of the grieving process.


Here’s how you can begin to process that grief:

  1. Acknowledge your loss. Recognize what you were hoping for. Write it down, and allow yourself to feel the disappointment that comes with losing that vision.

  2. Accept reality. This is where the shift happens. Accept that the person isn’t who you thought they’d be, and that the situation isn’t what you hoped for. This doesn’t mean giving up on yourself or your kids—it means accepting what is.

  3. Refocus your energy. Instead of holding on to what could have been, focus on what can be. Let go of the need for fairness and start working toward peace for yourself and your children.

  4. Give your kids the tools to feel empowered. Teach them a new skill or encourage small ways they can take responsibility for at least one thing around the house. This not only lightens your load but also helps them develop resilience in the face of change.

  5. Say this out loud: “They may never be who I hoped they’d be. But I still get to build something better.” This affirmation is about reclaiming your power in the face of disappointment and using your energy to shape a new future, one where you control your peace.



What You Can Try Today


Letting go isn’t instant, but you can start today:


  1. Stop saying “they should.” Replace it with “I need.” Focus on your needs, not their failings.

  2. Create a “can control” list. Include what you can manage this week—meals, schedules, boundaries, and communication. Stay in your lane.

  3. Make a “They Might, They Might Not” List: Grab a piece of paper and split it into two columns. On one side, write down the things your ex might do (like show up, pay on time, follow through). On the other side, write “they might not.” This helps train your mind to expect possibilities, not promises. It also softens the blow when they don’t do what you hoped.

  4. Create a Calm-Down Plan for Trigger Moments. Pick one situation that always disappoints you—maybe when your co-parent drops the kids off late or feeds them sugar and chaos. Now, write out a simple 3-step plan to follow when that happens again. Example:

    1. Take 3 deep breaths

    2. Say out loud: “This isn’t about me—it’s about their patterns.”

    3. Do one kind thing for yourself within the next hour (cup of tea, short walk, music, prayer)

  5. Join a support group. You don’t have to process these changes alone. Community helps you breathe again.



You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone


You’re Not the Only One. Whether you were left or chose to leave, adjusting your expectations is one of the hardest emotional tasks you’ll face.


But it gets easier with time, with support, and with truth. Letting go of old expectations makes room for new peace, new patterns, and new possibilities.


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You don’t have to carry guilt forever.





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