What Is Emotional Abuse and Why It’s Hard to See It

Sometimes the deepest scars are the ones no one else can see

There’s a reason emotional abuse is so hard to recognize—especially when you’re the one living inside it. It doesn’t always come with screaming or fists. Sometimes it comes wrapped in kindness, followed by silence. Sometimes it sounds like sarcasm that cuts a little too deep or “jokes” that aren’t funny. Sometimes, it’s the absence of love, approval, or safety—until you earn it.

For a long time, I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was abuse. I thought it was normal. I thought I was too sensitive. I thought if I just tried harder, he would love me more. What I didn’t realize was that I was stuck in a cycle of emotional manipulation that had started long before I ever met him.

This post is the first in a 5-part series to help you understand emotional abuse—so you can begin to recognize it, heal from it, and break the cycle.

She didn’t know it was abuse—until she started seeing clearly.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is when someone uses words, actions, or silence to control, belittle, or manipulate another person. It’s often subtle and sneaky, leaving you confused, ashamed, or questioning your worth.

It can look like:

• Constant criticism or blaming

• Giving affection, then withholding it

• Gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality)

• Silent treatment

• Name-calling or sarcasm meant to hurt

• Making you feel like a burden

• Tearing down your confidence, one comment at a time

  
  

Unlike physical abuse, there are no bruises to point to. No police reports. No obvious proof. Just a slow eroding of your self-esteem, often done behind closed doors or in ways that others don’t notice.

Why It’s Hard to See It—Especially When You’ve Lived It for Years

When emotional abuse is your normal, it doesn’t feel like abuse. For me, growing up in a home without hugs, encouragement, or love, any attention felt like gold, even if it came with degrading words. My parents never told me they loved me. They didn’t build me up—they broke me down.

So when I married someone who sometimes made me feel special, I held on to those sometimes moments. I accepted the bad because the little glimpses of good gave me hope. And that hope kept me trapped. I grew up having to find good times in the middle of crazy. So I ignored the crazy in the marriage (denial) and looked forward to the good. Those good moments were like an addiction. I lived for those sometimes moments.

This is how emotional abuse works: it feeds you just enough light to keep you reaching through the darkness.

The Cycle That Keeps You Hooked

There’s a common pattern in emotionally abusive relationships called the cycle of abuse. 

It goes like this:

1. Tension builds – you feel like you're walking on eggshells

2. An incident occurs – name-calling, blaming, emotional withdrawal, the silent treatment, "being cut off"

3. Reconciliation – they apologize, buy you flowers, spend time doing an activity, or say they’ll change

4. Calm – things feel okay again… until it starts over

   
   

This cycle is how abuse hides in plain sight. It creates a bond called trauma bonding, where you begin to associate pain with love. You stay, not because you’re weak, but because your brain and heart have been trained to believe this is what love feels like, and if something is wrong, it's your fault.

If You Didn’t Know—It’s Not Your Fault

Here’s the truth: emotional abuse doesn’t just tear down your worth—it makes you doubt your right to even have boundaries. When someone chips away at your identity slowly, you stop seeing yourself clearly.

And when you finally try to set a boundary, it’s often met with tension. That tension becomes a signal that you’ve done something wrong. Since your instinct is to please the other person, you abandon the boundary you were trying to create. Over time, you learn that your boundaries will always be met with opposition, and so you stop setting them altogether. You spend your time doing whatever it takes to keep the peace, even if it means self-sacrifice.

Growing up, my mother was a dictator in her own house. A single word of opposition was met with a backhand—or worse, months of silent treatment. She’d talk about me like I wasn’t in the room, and when she finally decided to speak to me again, I was the one who had to apologize. Not with my words—hers. She told me what to say. And I said it, because no matter what, it was always my fault.

So when you ask why someone stays in a relationship where they’re emotionally abused, remember this: if no one ever taught you what healthy love looks like, how would you know?

Recognizing emotional abuse isn’t about shame—it’s about awakening.

Signs You Might Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

In relationships, there will be ups and downs, but it's about working together to resolve them.

You might be in an emotionally abusive relationship if:

• You feel like you’re never good enough

• You apologize even when you didn’t do anything wrong

• You feel nervous, anxious, or like you're “walking on eggshells”

• You second-guess your decisions constantly

• You feel lonely—even when you're with them

• You hope more than you feel peace

  
  

If any of these feel familiar, you’re not broken. You’re surviving something very real.

It Starts with Awareness

The first step in healing from emotional abuse isn’t walking away. It’s waking up.

It’s saying:

• “This isn’t love.”

• “This isn’t how I want to feel.”

• “I deserve better, even if I don’t fully believe it yet.”

  
  

You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to begin asking the right questions.

Support on Your Journey

You don’t have to untangle emotional abuse on your own. Sometimes, we just need a safe space to talk it through.

That’s why I offer Neighbor Talk Coaching—a one-on-one conversation where you can speak freely, cry if needed, or just say things out loud that no one else has heard. You don’t have to have a plan. You just have to show up.

Let’s talk like neighbors do—honest, heart-first, no pressure.

FOR MORE INFORMATION

[Book a Neighbor Talk Session Now – You deserve to be heard.]

Healing & Journaling Tool: “What I Didn’t Know Was Abuse”

Prompt: Looking back, write down moments in your relationship (or childhood) that felt confusing, hurtful, or unkind—but that you didn’t realize were abusive at the time.

• What did they say or do that made you question yourself?

• How did you explain it away at the time?

• What would you say to your younger self now?

(This prompt will be saved to your journal doc.)

Let this be the start of seeing clearly—not blaming yourself, but understanding your story.

You Are Allowed to Name the Pain—and Rise From It

You don’t owe anyone your silence.You don’t need permission to begin again. And you don’t need to wait for someone else to validate your pain to finally heal.

You are worth clarity. You are worth peace. You are worth a life that doesn’t hurt.