Setting Expectations Without Being a Jerk
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 25
- 5 min read
Being the boss isn’t about barking orders or micromanaging every move. But let’s be honest—vague instructions and unclear expectations can kill productivity, morale, and even the trust between you and your team.
In this chapter, I want to talk about what it really means to set expectations the right way. Because no one wakes up saying, “I want to be a terrible boss.” But if you’re afraid of coming across as too demanding, you might do the exact thing that frustrates employees most: give them no direction at all.
Let’s fix that.
When a Boss Gives You Nothing
I once walked into a government contracting IT job. It was my first day. I asked the supervisor what I should work on. Their answer?
“Just find something to do.”
That was it. No instructions. No tour. No assigned tasks. Nothing.
Now I’m the type who doesn’t stay bored for long. I looked around, found where the gaps were, figured out who was overworked, and learned what I needed to fill in.
But not everyone works that way.
Some people freeze. Some waste time. Some leave, thinking they’re not valued.
That moment taught me something I’ve carried into every supervisory role: People deserve direction. If you’re in charge, you can’t just hope they’ll figure it out.
Expectations Are a Gift, Not a Threat
A lot of new supervisors are afraid to come on too strong. They want to be liked. They don’t want to be seen as “the mean one.”
But what employees really want is clarity.
They want to know what success looks like. They want to know what “done right” means. They want to know what to do when they get stuck.
Setting expectations isn’t mean. It’s kind. It’s honest. It helps people succeed.
If you don’t do it? You’re setting them up to fail and setting yourself up for stress.
How I Set Expectations Without Micromanaging
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of supervising different kinds of teams:
1. Start with a Visual SOP (Standard Operating Procedure)
As I learn something new, I write the process down, include screenshots or pictures, and walk through it like I’m teaching a brand-new person.
When someone joins the team, their first assignment is to go through that SOP.
But I don’t stop there. I explain to them:
“This SOP isn’t just for training. It’s a test of the document itself. You’re the best person to find gaps—because you’re new. If this guide doesn’t help you, we need to fix it.”
That gives the new person a voice. It also reinforces that the standard is the same for everyone.
2. Train with Layers: Show, Guide, Support
Not everyone learns the same way. So I try to use a mix:
Show them how to do it
Let them walk through the SOP (with words and pictures)
Then offer support when things aren’t clear
If they’re visual, the pictures help. If they’re step-by-step, the words help. If they need to do it hands-on to learn it, they get that chance.
I’ve had people who pick it up right away. I’ve had others who take longer.
But here’s the truth: Some of the slow starters end up being the most reliable employees. Especially if they’re detailed. They want to understand the whole picture and once they do, they never forget it.
3. Correct With Context, Not Condescension
Everyone messes up. Including me.
Sometimes it’s a skill gap. Sometimes it’s confusion. Sometimes it’s a distraction, like the time one of my coworkers kept dozing off because their medications had recently changed.
Someone on the team brought it to my attention. I didn’t call them out or write them up. I had a private, respectful conversation.
I learned the story. We talked about what they could do to stay alert. And guess what? The problem went away. They didn’t fall asleep at work again.
Correcting someone doesn’t have to be harsh. It can be honest, human, and helpful—if you approach it with care.
4. Give Them the Why, Not Just the What
Rules and standards can come across as controlling—unless people understand the reason behind them.
As a new supervisor, setting standards feels awkward. You want people to comply, but you don’t want to seem bossy.
That’s where explanation matters.
“We need to do it this way because it reduces errors by 40%.”“I’m asking for this form so we can document issues consistently.” “This policy helps us stay within budget while meeting the client’s needs.”
When people understand the why, they’re far more likely to buy into the what.
Real Talk: Why Clarity Beats Control
Micromanagement is when you hover over someone’s shoulder, nitpick every detail, and never let them breathe.
Setting expectations is not that.
Setting expectations is:
Giving them a clear finish line
Explaining what good work looks like
Creating a path for improvement
Making room for questions
Holding them accountable fairly
In fact, unclear expectations are one of the top reasons employees feel disengaged at work, according to Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace report (2023). Clarity builds trust, motivation, and performance.
If You’re New to Supervising, Try This:
Sometimes, being new, you walk into the location and wonder where to start.
1. Write a "Day One Expectations" Checklist
Include:
Where to park
What time to show up
How breaks work
Where the supplies are
What training to expect in Week 1
Simple, right? But it builds confidence.
2. Hold a “How We Work” Team Talk
Don’t assume people know the rules. Or that they’re okay with them. Set the tone:
“Here’s how we communicate. Here’s how we ask for help. Here’s how we handle mistakes. This is what a good day looks like.”
That’s leadership.
3. Ask Them What Clarity Looks Like
Try this question:
“What would help you feel more confident about your job this week?”
That one question could save you hours of confusion, complaints, and rework.
When You Have to Correct Someone
Here’s a simple formula I use:
Private conversation
State the observed behavior
Ask questions to understand
Explain the impact
Offer support or retraining
Set a follow-up time to check progress
It’s not magic—but it works.
You Don’t Have to Be Mean. You Just Have to Be Clear.
Supervising people isn’t about being the enforcer. It’s about being the leader who helps them succeed.
So say what you mean. Write it down. Explain why it matters. And check in with care—not criticism.
The result? A team that trusts you, knows the expectations, and feels safe asking for help when they fall short.
That’s not micromanaging. That’s real leadership.
Need Help Defining Expectations on Your Team?
Don’t go it alone.
Use Neighbor Chat to talk through your approach with someone who gets it
Join our New Supervisor Group to hear how others are setting expectations and creating stronger teams
Try Next Step Coaching for a personalized guide to help you communicate clearly, correct fairly, and lead with confidence
Your team is only as clear as your expectations. Let’s build that clarity together.
References
Gallup. (2023). State of the Global Workplace Report. https://www.gallup.com/workplace
Harvard Business Review. (2022). What Great Managers Do to Set Expectations. https://hbr.org
SHRM. (2021). Managing for Results: Setting Expectations and Accountability. https://www.shrm.org
Comments