Learning to Speak Kindly to Yourself
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 9
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 11
Someone once suggested an exercise that changed everything for me. They told me to sit in a chair and imagine my best friend sitting in the chair across from me. Then they said, “Now, picture your own face there instead.”
At first, that sounded awkward. But as I sat there, I realized how differently I spoke to my friends compared to myself. When my friends make mistakes, I give them grace. I listen. I reassure them that they’re human. I remind them that one bad choice doesn’t define them. Yet when I mess up, I can be cold and unforgiving. My tone becomes sharp. My patience disappears.
That little exercise reminded me of something powerful: if I want to be my own best friend, I have to treat myself the same way I treat the people I love most.
Why Speak Kindly to Yourself Feels So Hard
Most of us weren’t taught how to be gentle with ourselves. We learned to push, perform, and perfect. When we failed, we thought the solution was to be even tougher. Somewhere along the line, we confused criticism with motivation.
The problem is that harsh self-talk might push you for a moment, but it drains you in the long run. It makes you afraid to try because you don’t want to face your own voice again.
Speaking kindly to yourself doesn’t mean lowering your standards. It means guiding yourself the way a good teacher would—firm, fair, and encouraging.
Changing the Tone Inside Your Head
When you start listening to the way you speak to yourself, it can be shocking. We say things internally that we’d never say to another person. The goal isn’t to judge that voice but to retrain it.
Here’s what helped me:
Awareness first. Pay attention to your inner language. Write it down if you need to.
Pause before believing. Every thought isn’t truth. Ask, Would I say this to my best friend?
Rephrase with respect. Change “I can’t believe I did that” to “I made a mistake, but I can fix it.”
Add grace out loud. Saying kind words—yes, out loud—helps your brain register them as real.
Thank yourself often. Simple gratitude for showing up or trying again softens your tone.
My Turning Point
That chair exercise still helps me today. On tough days, I imagine my reflection sitting across from me. I look at her—tired, imperfect, doing her best—and I remind her that she deserves the same compassion she gives others.
It’s strange at first, but something shifts. My shoulders drop. My chest loosens. The inner storm quiets. I start to believe the words I’m saying.
You can’t heal while attacking yourself. You can only heal through understanding.
Faith and Forgiveness in Self-Talk
My faith plays a huge part in this. I used to think I had to be perfect before I was worthy of love, even God’s. Over time, I realized that grace means being loved right in the middle of your mess. If God can speak to me with patience and compassion, who am I to talk to myself with cruelty?
Learning to forgive myself didn’t make me lazy—it made me stronger. I finally had energy to grow instead of constantly defending myself against my own voice.
When the Old Voice Returns
Even after years of healing, that inner critic tries to return. Sometimes it sounds like old family voices, sometimes like doubt whispering, You’ll never change. When that happens, I pause and repeat something simple:
“I am not who I was. I am still learning, still healing, and still loved.”
That one sentence brings me back to center.
Practical Ways to Practice Kind Self-Talk
Morning check-in: Start the day with one positive sentence about yourself.
Mirror moments: Look yourself in the eye and say something kind daily.
Rewrite the script: Keep a journal page of harsh thoughts and their gentle replacements.
Prayer or meditation: Ask for help seeing yourself through loving eyes.
Reframe failure: Replace “I failed” with “I learned something.”
Speak as a mentor, not a judge.
Limit sarcasm toward yourself. Humor heals, but self-mockery wounds.
Celebrate small victories. Progress counts.
Keep a compliment list. When someone praises you, write it down and reread it later.
End the day in gratitude. Thank yourself for what you did right.
What You Can Try Today
Picture that two-chair exercise. What would you say to yourself as your own best friend?
Write a short paragraph of encouragement to the “you” who’s struggling right now.
Record yourself saying a kind message and listen when you’re down.
Replace one harsh thought with a prayer of gratitude.
Ask someone who loves you what they see in you that you can’t yet see.
Forgive yourself for one thing today—just one.
Write down five things you like about your character, not appearance.
Try a gentle morning affirmation: “Today, I will speak to myself with kindness.”
Keep a note on your phone titled Words That Heal and add to it daily.
Smile at yourself in the mirror—it’s free medicine.
Final Thoughts
The way you talk to yourself sets the tone for everything else in your life. When your inner words become softer, your outer world feels safer. You start believing in your ability to recover, grow, and love again.
Becoming your own best friend doesn’t mean ignoring your flaws; it means reminding yourself that you are a work in progress, not a lost cause. Talk to yourself like someone worth saving—because you are.
♥
Support on Your Journey
If you’d like connection and encouragement, I invite you to become part of the community groups where we share openly, support one another, and walk this journey together. You don’t have to do this alone.
Also, if you ever need someone to talk with —just a friendly ear, not a counselor —check out our Neighbor Chat service. This is a place where people listen, share, and connect about whatever topic is on your mind every day. Because sometimes all you need is to simply be heard.
So here’s to you, the person showing up for themselves, step by step. Here’s to the friend you are becoming to yourself. The journey won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it. And I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
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