The Power of Self-Validation — You Don’t Need Permission to Feel or Be Enough
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 9
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 10
For most of my life, I looked to other people to tell me I was doing okay. A kind word from someone could lift me for days, but one harsh comment could send me spiraling. I didn’t know how to stand steady without someone else holding the mirror for me.
Growing up, I learned early that approval was rare and love had conditions. So I tried harder—earning good grades, working long hours, saying yes to everyone—hoping that being useful would make me feel worthy. But it never lasted. The moment I slowed down or made a mistake, the old voices returned: You’ll never be enough.
It took years to realize that the peace I wanted wasn’t hiding in anyone else’s opinion. It was buried under my own silence.
What Self-Validation Really Means
Self-validation doesn’t mean ignoring feedback or pretending you’re perfect. It means being able to look at your feelings, your choices, and your efforts and say, “They matter because they’re mine.”
It’s giving yourself permission to exist without apology.
When you validate yourself, you stop waiting for the world to clap before you celebrate progress.
You start realizing that your worth doesn’t rise or fall with applause.
How I Learned to Hear My Own Voice
My healing began quietly. I started writing again—not to impress anyone, but to listen. When I saw my thoughts on paper, I realized that many of the criticisms I carried weren’t mine. They belonged to people who hadn’t learned to love themselves either.
Each time I replaced an old judgment with truth, my foundation grew stronger.
Old thought: “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
New truth: “My feelings are signals, not sins.”
Old thought: “I’ll never get it right.”
New truth: “I’m still learning, and that’s progress.”
Faith helped me anchor these truths. I started believing that if God could create me with purpose, He didn’t need me to earn my worth. I already had it. My job was to accept it.
Why We Crave Permission
We seek validation because, at some point, we learned our emotions weren’t safe. Maybe we were told to “stop crying,” “be tougher,” or “get over it.” Each time, our feelings were dismissed instead of heard. Eventually, we stopped trusting ourselves.
The journey back begins when you start saying, “It’s okay that I feel this.” You can acknowledge sadness, anger, or fear without letting them define you. Feelings are visitors, not verdicts.
How to Start Validating Yourself
Acknowledge what you feel before judging it. Pause and name the emotion: I’m hurt, I’m tired, I’m proud. Naming brings understanding.
Use “of course” statements. “Of course I feel anxious; this matters to me.” “Of course I’m sad; I lost something important.” This normalizes your reaction.
Stop asking, “Should I feel this way?” If you feel it, it’s real. The question is, what’s it trying to tell you?
Practice saying, “I did my best today.” It’s not an excuse; it’s acknowledgment.
Find stillness. Prayer, journaling, or deep breathing help you hear your inner truth instead of the noise around you.
Keep promises to yourself. Every small follow-through rebuilds trust in your own word.
Celebrate effort, not just outcomes. You showed up—that’s worthy of praise.
Choose gentle language. Replace “I’m stupid” with “I made a mistake.”
Seek feedback, not approval. Feedback helps you grow; approval keeps you chained.
End your day with self-respect. Ask, “What did I handle well?” before asking, “What went wrong?”
My Turning Point
The real shift happened one evening after work. I had pushed myself too hard, juggling everything and still feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. I sat down, exhausted, and asked myself, “What would I tell a friend who felt this way?”
The answer came easy: You’re doing your best. You’re allowed to rest. You’ve come a long way.
So I said those words—to me. And for the first time, I believed them.
That moment didn’t erase years of self-doubt, but it marked a change. I began treating my inner voice as someone worth listening to.
Power of Faith and Self-Validation
Validation rooted in faith feels different. It’s quieter. It reminds you that your value doesn’t depend on perfection or performance. It lives in your spirit, unshakable.
When I pray, I no longer list every failure. I thank God for growth, even the slow kind. I remind myself that He doesn’t love a future, improved version of me—He loves me now.
What You Can Try Today
Write three sentences that validate your current feelings—no judgment, just honesty.
Look in the mirror and say, “My feelings are real, and I can handle them.”
When you make a mistake, whisper, “That’s human,” instead of, “That’s terrible.”
Start a “proof list” of times you’ve succeeded or handled hard moments.
Replace comparison with curiosity—ask, “What can I learn from them?”
Journal a prayer of gratitude for progress, not perfection.
Set one small boundary that honors your limits today.
Compliment yourself out loud for following through on something.
Take five deep breaths and thank your body for carrying you.
Write a note beginning, “I give myself permission to…” and finish it freely.
Final Thoughts
Self-validation isn’t arrogance. It’s ownership. It’s choosing to stop waiting for the world to tell you you’re enough and learning to tell yourself instead.
When you give yourself permission to feel, you free your heart from shame. When you give yourself permission to try, you free your future from fear. You don’t need anyone’s approval to live, love, or heal.
You already have everything you need inside you—it’s been waiting for your own “yes.”
♥
Support on Your Journey
If you’d like connection and encouragement, I invite you to become part of the survivinglifelessons community groups where we share openly, support one another, and walk this journey together. You don’t have to do this alone.
Also, if you ever need someone to talk with —just a friendly ear, not a counselor —check out our Neighbor Chat service. This is a place where people listen, share, and connect about whatever topic is on your mind every day. Because sometimes all you need is to simply be heard.
So here’s to you—the person showing up for themselves, step by step. Here’s to the friend you are becoming to yourself. The journey won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it. And I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
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