How to Forgive Those Who Sided With Your Ex
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Sep 8
- 5 min read
Sometimes, the deepest cuts after a divorce don’t come from your ex—they come from the people you thought would stand by you.
A friend who stops calling A family member who believes only their side of the story A neighbor who avoids you in the grocery store
When people you love or trust choose sides, it can feel like another betrayal layered on top of an already painful loss. The sting of rejection is real. Forgiving them can feel impossible.
For my story, some of my children and some members of my ex’s family stopped talking to me. That hurt more than him leaving. I was jealous more than anything because he got to do things with them, and I didn’t. I felt betrayed. I had to deal with people lying and spreading rumors about me behind my back. I did forgive them.
Later, we rebuilt some of those relationships. It took a while for me to trust them again, but they were important in my life. There were some who I forgave but never even tried to reconnect with. It just depended on what I chose to do. I forgave them and kept forgiving them, but I didn’t have to reconnect.
Why People Take Sides
Before you can forgive, it helps to understand that their choice might have more to do with them than with you.
Long-standing loyalties: They may have a longer or deeper history with your ex
Discomfort with conflict: Some people avoid taking a stance by leaning toward the person they think will cause less trouble
Incomplete information: They may have only heard one version of the story
Projection of their own fears: Your divorce may remind them of their own struggles, and they pull back to protect themselves
Understanding doesn’t mean you agree with their decision—it simply helps you see it wasn’t necessarily about your worth.
Why Forgiving Them Helps You Heal
There’s a strange paradox that comes with forgiving those who once sided against you: while forgiveness brings a deep sense of peace, the idea of reconnecting with them can be both wonderful and terrifying.
On one hand, letting go of anger toward people who hurt you or chose sides during a painful time allows you to free yourself from the emotional weight they once held over your life. The relief is real, and it creates room for new growth, for healing to take root. But on the other hand, the fear of being hurt again can stop you from taking the step toward rebuilding those relationships.
When people we love choose sides, it can feel like they’ve closed a door on us, and even if we forgive them, the thought of opening that door again can feel like a leap of faith. What if things don’t go back to the way they once were? What if it’s too late, or worse, what if they hurt us again?
But here’s the thing: whether you decide to reconnect with everyone or not, the decision is yours to make. And you are not obligated to open old wounds just because you've forgiven.
Forgiveness is for you. It’s a choice you make to release the grip that resentment has on your soul, not necessarily to invite someone back into your life. Peace comes when you realize that you are in control of the boundaries you set moving forward.
Rebuilding relationships with those who once chose sides is a journey. It doesn’t have to be rushed, and it doesn't have to look like what it once was. Sometimes, reconnecting might look like a brief conversation, a shared memory, or just an acknowledgment that you’re willing to heal but that doesn’t mean you have to pick up where things left off. Sometimes, it’s okay to forgive and then choose not to engage again. And that’s where the true peace lies: in knowing that forgiveness isn’t conditional on reconciliation, and that you don’t have to chase after a sense of "normal" in order to move forward.
Steps Toward Forgiving Those Who Sided With Your Ex
Acknowledge the Hurt Don’t minimize it. Write down exactly how their actions affected you. Allow yourself to feel the weight of that hurt fully.
Separate the Person From Their Choice They made a decision you don’t agree with, but that doesn’t mean they define your value. Recognize that their choice was a reflection of them, not a verdict on your worth.
Decide on Your Boundaries
Forgiveness doesn’t require closeness. You can forgive and still keep a healthy distance. Determine what type of relationship, if any, you want moving forward.
Release the Need for an Explanation You may never get the “why” you want. Release that expectation so you can move forward, knowing that you may never fully understand their choice and that’s okay.
Focus on Those Who Show Up for You Now Shift your energy to the people who support, value, and care for you today. Lean into those who are present and who nurture your healing journey.
Give Yourself Time Understand that forgiveness can be a process, not a singular moment. It may take time for the pain to subside and for you to fully let go, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey.
A Final Thought: You Deserve Peace
The people who sided with your ex may never fully understand your pain, but you don’t have to carry it with you forever. Forgiveness is not for them—it’s your gift to yourself, a way to reclaim your emotional freedom.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past or forcing a relationship. It’s about choosing peace on your own terms, without letting past hurts control your future.
You are worthy of healing, trust, and happiness. Keep moving forward at your own pace. You’ve got this.
What You Can Try Today
Even small steps can make a difference in your healing. Here’s a simple practice to try:
Write a list of people you’re still holding resentment toward. Take a moment to identify who’s weighing on your heart.
For each name, decide where they belong in your life moving forward. Are they someone who should be in your inner circle, your outer circle, or someone you need to let go of entirely?
Write a short statement of release: “I forgive you for my peace, not because you were right.” This is your declaration of freedom from resentment.
Do one small thing today to nurture a relationship with someone who is showing up for you. Whether it’s sending a text, having a conversation, or simply spending time with someone who cares for you, let this be a step toward healing.
You’re Not Alone in This
Healing from heartbreak, betrayal, and broken relationships can feel overwhelming. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t just forgiving your ex or those who sided with them—it’s feeling like you have to do it alone.
At Surviving Life Lessons, we believe that healing happens best in community. Our support groups offer a safe space where you can share your story, find encouragement, and connect with others who truly understand what you’re going through.
Whether you’re struggling with forgiveness, rebuilding trust, or just need a place to breathe, we’re here for you.
Come join us.
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Together, we’re stronger.
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