How to Enjoy Your Own Company – Learning to Be Comfortable Alone After Divorce

Deborah Ann Martin
Oct 6
6 min read

A black woman enjoying a relaxing scheduled alone time by enjoying the peaceful downtime after divorce. — Live life on purpose!

When my divorce was final and the kids were with their friends or dad, I found myself in a quiet house that didn’t feel like home anymore.

For years, my life had been a non-stop schedule: school drop-offs, sports practices, family dinners, grocery runs, laundry, holiday planning, and a thousand tiny tasks for my husband and kids. I was never alone. I didn’t have time to be alone.

And then… I had too much of it.

At first, I didn’t know what to do with myself. The silence was deafening. I’d find random chores just to stay busy, scroll endlessly on my phone, or watch TV until I fell asleep, anything to avoid thinking about what I’d lost.

If that’s where you are right now, I want you to know this:

You are not broken for feeling uncomfortable in your own company.

You’ve been wired for years to live by other people’s schedules.

It takes time to learn to live for your own.

You’ve spent years living for others. Of course, being with yourself feels unfamiliar. But it won’t always feel this way.

The good news? Alone time can go from being something you dread to something you value and even crave. And you don’t have to “figure it all out” right away; you can take this in small steps.

You can learn to enjoy your own company not as a last resort, but as a gift.

Why Alone Time Feels So Strange at First

After heartbreak or divorce, you lose more than a partner. You lose shared routines, shared meals, and even shared silence.

Without those, you might feel:

Disconnected from who you are
Used to constant noise and activity
Afraid to sit with your thoughts
Feeling guilty for enjoying yourself without the kids
Missing companionship in everyday moments
Like your identity is missing pieces
Unsettled by the stillness of your own home
Lonely, even when surrounded by people online

Your nervous system has been running at full speed for years. That’s not a sign you’re failing, it’s a sign you’re adjusting.

Your nervous system has been operating in high-stress survival mode. When it suddenly slows down, it feels wrong. Now that it's quiet, your brain doesn’t know what to do with peace.

The truth is: alone time isn’t the problem; it’s the unfamiliarity with it.

How to Enjoy Your Own Company Without Feeling Lonely

Being alone after divorce can feel disorienting, especially if your identity has been wrapped around being a partner, a parent, or part of a unit. Suddenly, the house is quiet. The routines are gone. The silence feels heavier than you expected.

But solitude doesn’t have to feel like punishment. It can become a sacred space for rediscovery, rest, and rebuilding. It’s not about “learning to be alone forever,” it’s about learning to enjoy your own company right now, without fear or shame. You’re not trying to fill the silence, you’re learning to feel at home in it.

The steps below aren’t about fixing you. You’re not broken. They’re gentle shifts to help you reconnect with yourself and find comfort, even joy, in time spent solo.

Step 1: Redefine Alone Time

Right now, “alone” might feel like “lonely” or “unwanted.” But alone time is simply time with yourself.

It can be:

Restorative (a bath, reading, journaling)
Productive (organizing, working on a hobby)
Adventurous (trying a new activity or place)
Treating yourself (massage, manicure, pedicure, or haircut)

Instead of asking, “How will I fill this empty space?”

Try asking, “How do I want to feel at this time?”

Step 2: Start Small and Gentle

You don’t have to leap from hating alone time to booking a solo vacation. Begin with:

10 minutes of something you enjoy without distraction
A short walk without music or podcasts, just noticing your surroundings
Making a meal just for you, exactly how you like it

These moments may feel awkward at first. That’s okay. You’re training your brain to associate “alone” with “safe” and “pleasant.”

Step 3: Reconnect With Forgotten Parts of Yourself

Before marriage, before kids, what did you like? What were you curious about? You may have outgrown some of those things, but others might be waiting for you to rediscover.

Did you use to paint, write, or garden?
Did you love going to the movies?
Did you take walks just because you wanted to?

Write down a list of things you once enjoyed, and try one in the next week.

Step 4: Try Something New Just for You

One of the gifts of this season is the freedom to explore without having to get anyone else’s approval.

Sign up for a beginner’s class: dance, pottery, photography, yoga.
Visit a place you’ve always been curious about.
Join a local group or meetup that shares an interest of yours.

You don’t have to love everything you try. You’re simply gathering information about who you are now.

Step 5: Plan for Your Alone Time Like It Matters

If you don’t plan for alone time, it will fill itself with chores, scrolling, or mindless TV.

Instead:

Put one “just for me” activity on your calendar every week.
Treat it as non-negotiable.
If plans fall through, reschedule instead of canceling completely.

Step 6: Learn to Enjoy Quiet Moments

Quiet doesn’t have to be empty it can be full of peace. Try:

Sitting with a cup of coffee in the morning without your phone
Journaling before bed
Listening to music and doing nothing else

Initially, you may feel restless. Over time, you’ll find a rhythm in the stillness.

Step 7: Build a Friendship With Yourself

This might sound strange, but think about it: If you were dating someone new, you’d spend time getting to know them.

Ask yourself the same kinds of questions:

What do I like?
What drains me?
What makes me laugh?
Where do I want to go next in life?

Step 8: Remember, It’s Okay to Miss People

Enjoying your own company doesn’t mean you never want companionship again. You can love being with friends or in a relationship while also valuing time alone. This isn’t an either/or situation; it’s both/and.

A Final Word on Being Alone

Learning to enjoy your own company isn’t about isolation’s about intention. It’s about choosing to show up for yourself with the same kindness, curiosity, and care you’d offer someone you love.

At first, the quiet might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re just unlearning years of noise. Over time, what once felt like loneliness can become space to breathe, think, and reconnect with who you are now.

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t need a perfect routine. You just need one small moment today where you choose yourself on purpose.

You’re not starting over. You’re starting with you.

A Final Thought: You’ve Got This

You’ve survived one of the hardest seasons of your life. Now, it’s time to take the first steps into a new season where you don’t just get by, but actually live.

This new chapter isn’t about erasing the past or pretending the pain never happened. It’s about rebuilding from a place of strength, truth, and self-respect. It’s about shifting from “we” to “me” without shame and finding out that you are enough, just as you are.

You don’t need to have every step figured out. You just need the courage to take the next one.

Whether today’s win is getting out of bed, taking a walk, eating a real meal, or simply choosing not to replay the same painful memory, you’re doing the work. You’re healing, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.

You are still allowed to laugh, explore, and create a future that reflects who you are now. You are not selfish for wanting joy.

You’ve already made it through the hardest part. Now, you get to rebuild with intention, freedom, and hope.

You’re not starting over.

You’re starting with you.

What You Can Try Today

There is a difference between being alone and FEELING alone. Being alone allows your body to relax and your brain to process. Allow yourself some scheduled or unplanned quiet time. What will you do with it?

Make a list of 10 things you’ve always wanted to do alone. Choose one to try this month.
Take yourself out for coffee or lunch, no phone, just you.
Set a timer for 15 minutes of quiet time today. No TV, no scrolling. See how it feels.
Buy or make something small, like flowers, a special meal, or a new book, just because.