Breaking the Cycle (Even If It Breaks You First)

You don’t have to leave the pain to grow beyond it—you just have to begin.

We often hear about “breaking the cycle” like it’s a strong decision, a clear turning point, a proud moment of empowerment.

But for some of us, it wasn’t that neat.

Some of us didn’t break the cycle—it broke us. Some of us stayed too long. Took them back too many times. Fought too hard for someone who wasn’t fighting for us.

This post is for the people who didn’t leave. Who would’ve kept trying. Who needed the crash to finally rise. OR anyone who’s still hurting because they stayed.

Whether you walked away or were walked over, you can still break the cycle. You can still heal, grow, and reclaim yourself—even if your healing didn’t start the way you thought it would.

She chose the path forward, one brave step after another.

What Does It Mean to Break the Cycle of Emotional Abuse?

Breaking the cycle of emotional abuse means stopping the repeated pattern of being mistreated—and then mistreating yourself in the aftermath.

That pattern often looks like this:

• Getting stuck in unhealthy relationships that mimic past pain

• Allowing partners to withhold affection, manipulate, or control

• Accepting “crumbs” of love because a real connection feels unfamiliar or scary

• Believing that suffering means loyalty or strength

  
  

You break the cycle by choosing yourself. By refusing to repeat what hurt you.By stopping the silence, shame, or self-blame that’s been passed down.

And sometimes… that process doesn’t start with a decision.

Sometimes it starts with devastation.

If You Didn’t Leave—You’re Not Alone

I didn’t leave. Not at first.

My husband cheated, left, came back, said he’d change—and I took him back.

He was addicted to an online fantasy game and had multiple affairs inside it and out. For a while, I fought for the marriage every time he cracked the door open. If he wanted time, I gave it. If he needed me, I showed up. I thought maybe this time would be different.

It wasn’t.

Eventually, he met someone new—my neighbor’s best friend. I didn’t know what was happening, but I could feel it. The coldness. The secrets. The guarded phone. The distance.

I found out by calling a number. She answered.

And just like that, he walked out. He left after 20 years of marriage. No apology. Just gone.

The Cycle Didn’t End When He Left—It Started Breaking When I Did

I would have stayed. I know I would have.

But his exit forced me into my own awakening.

At first, I was crushed.

Then I was raw. Then—slowly—I started building.

I got real with myself about what I had been accepting.

I cried, screamed, journaled, and picked up the pieces for my children and me.

I found the best authentic version of myself.

I know I make mistakes, but I no longer beat myself up over them.

I treat myself kinder than I ever have.

I am more patient with myself.

I enjoy spending time alone, and I can have fun by myself.

And now, I live the best life I have ever had, and he never got to be part of it.

That’s how the cycle broke.

How to Begin When You Didn’t Leave First

You don’t have to feel strong to start.

You don’t have to feel ready.

You just need to take the next right step.

Here’s how to break the cycle after someone else walks out:

1. Tell the Truth—Gently

Stop sugarcoating what happened. Write it out, speak it, own it. Not to shame yourself, but to stop minimizing it. Name the manipulation. Name the betrayal. Name the abandonment.

2. Give Yourself the Compassion You Gave Them

How many times did you forgive them? Now do that for you. Give yourself grace for how long you stayed, for how hard you tried, for not knowing better.

3. Stop Trying to Make It Make Sense

You may never understand why they left, cheated, or discarded you. Don’t waste your healing looking for logic in someone else’s brokenness.

4. Start Noticing Your Patterns

Are you drawn to emotionally distant people? Do you second-guess yourself constantly? Do you avoid being alone? This is where real change starts.

5. Do One Brave Thing at a Time

That might be setting a boundary. It might be deleting their number. It might be applying for a job, going to therapy, or journaling every night. Don’t aim for transformation. Aim for today’s courage.

If You’re Still There—You Can Still Get Stronger

Some people aren’t ready to leave. Some still love the person. Others are afraid, financially trapped, or simply unsure. Staying doesn’t mean you can’t grow.

Even inside a difficult relationship, you can begin to:

• Get out of denial – Start telling the truth to yourself. Notice patterns. Write them down. Name what hurts—even if you don't yet say it out loud.

  
  

• Express your feelings gently but clearly – Use “I feel” statements. Set a small boundary. Share what you need without apologizing for it.

  
  

• Take your power back through self-care – Start routines that have nothing to do with your partner. Eat well. Take walks. See friends. Journal.

  
  

• Build your identity back, one layer at a time – Ask yourself what you want. What brings you peace? What did you love before the relationship?

You don’t have to make a huge decision right now. But if the relationship stays the same and you get stronger, you’ll be in a much better place to choose what’s next—from power, not fear.

Support on Your Journey

Whether you’re trying to leave, stay, or just figure out what healing looks like for you, it helps to talk to someone who understands.

Next Step Coaching isn’t about telling you what to do—it’s about helping you set real goals to grow stronger and live with more peace, no matter your relationship status.

FOR MORE INFORMATION

[Start Next Step Coaching – You don’t have to rebuild alone.]

Healing & Journaling Tool: “I Didn't Leave—But I Still Grew”

Prompt: Reflect on your situation—whether you’ve left, been left, or are still there trying to sort through it all.

• What are you learning about yourself through this experience?

• What patterns do you now see more clearly?

• How can you begin to choose yourself—even in small ways—starting this week?

• What does strength look like for you right now?

  
  

(This will be saved to your journaling doc.)

You Didn’t Fail—You’re Just Starting Differently

You don’t need a perfect ending to start becoming the version of you that’s been waiting underneath the hurt.

Whether you stay or go, whether you're just waking up or already walking out, you are still allowed to grow.

You are not a failure. You are a seed—finally breaking through.

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