Breaking Free from People-Pleasing — Taking Back the Power to Define Yourself
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 9
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 11
For a long time, I thought being kind meant saying yes to everyone. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be liked, appreciated, and accepted. Every “yes” felt like a small win—until I realized all those yeses were slowly erasing me.
When you spend your life trying to please everyone, you hand over your power one favor at a time. You let other people decide who you are, how you feel, and what you’re worth.
And here’s the truth I had to learn the hard way: people-pleasing doesn’t create peace it destroys it.
The Trap of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing looks harmless on the surface. You’re helping, you’re dependable, you’re the one everyone can count on. But deep down, it’s exhausting.
You start feeling resentful and drained because you’re saying yes when your heart is screaming no. You stay quiet to keep the peace, but inside, you’re breaking.
And when people don’t appreciate
all that effort, it hurts even more—because you’ve tied your happiness to their approval.
People-pleasing is really just seeking permission to exist.
How It Destroys the Work You’ve Done on Yourself
When you’ve spent time healing, learning self-love, and building confidence, people-pleasing can undo it all.
You start making progress, setting boundaries, feeling strong—and then someone’s disappointment sends you spiraling back into guilt. Suddenly, you’re right back where you started, questioning everything.
When your worth depends on someone else’s opinion, you’ll never feel stable. Because no matter how much you give, it will never be enough for everyone.
The work of healing only lasts when you protect it from the need to please.
Why We Do It
Most of us learned people-pleasing young. Maybe you were praised for being helpful, quiet, or easygoing. Maybe you grew up in a home where peace depended on keeping certain people happy.
At some point, you learned that your safety or acceptance depended on your ability to please.
But you’re not that child anymore. You don’t need to keep earning your right to be loved. You already are enough.
Taking Back Control
The day you stop basing your worth on other people’s moods is the day you start truly living.
You can still be kind and compassionate without being controlled. You can say no without being selfish. You can love others deeply while still loving yourself enough to set limits.
Every time you say no to something that drains you, you’re saying yes to your peace.
Faith and Self-Respect
My faith helped me understand that even Jesus said no sometimes. He rested. He withdrew from crowds. He chose peace over pressure.
If the Son of God could set boundaries, then surely it’s okay for me to do the same.
People-pleasing often comes from fear—fear of rejection, guilt, or being misunderstood. But faith replaces fear with strength. It reminds me that I don’t need everyone’s approval when I already have God’s love.
What You Can Try Today
Pause before saying yes. Ask, “Do I really want to do this?”
Notice your motivation. Are you saying yes from love or from fear?
Write down your top three priorities. Let them guide your decisions.
Set one small boundary today. It could be as simple as not answering a call after hours.
Pay attention to your body. Tightness and fatigue are signs you’re overextending.
Practice saying no kindly. “I wish I could help, but I can’t right now.”
Reflect on past times you said yes and regretted it. What did you learn?
Affirm yourself: “My worth isn’t measured by how much I do for others.”
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries.
Pray or journal: “Lord, teach me to serve with balance and love without losing myself.”
What True Kindness Looks Like
Real kindness isn’t about doing everything for everyone—it’s about doing the right things for the right reasons.
When you give from guilt, it drains you. When you give from love, it fills you.
Learning to love yourself means you can give to others without losing who you are in the process.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing may look like love, but it’s really fear dressed up as kindness.
You don’t need to keep earning approval or proving your worth. You get to decide who you are and what makes you happy.
When you stop letting others define your value, you finally make room for peace, purpose, and joy—the things that were yours all along.
♥
Support on Your Journey
If you’d like connection and encouragement, I invite you to become part of the survivinglifelessons community groups where we share openly, support one another, and walk this journey together. You don’t have to do this alone.
Also, if you ever need someone to talk with —just a friendly ear, not a counselor —check out our Neighbor Chat service. This is a place where people listen, share, and connect about whatever topic is on your mind every day. Because sometimes all you need is to simply be heard.
So here’s to you—the person showing up for themselves, step by step. Here’s to the friend you are becoming to yourself. The journey won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it. And I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
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