Why You Should Grieve Your Hair During Chemotherapy
- Deborah Ann Martin
- 2 days ago
- 15 min read
My Hair Donation, the Tears in the Shower, and Learning I Could Still Be Beautiful While Bald
Before chemotherapy, I thought I understood hair loss.
I knew certain cancer medicines could make a person’s hair fall out. I had seen women wearing scarves, wigs, and soft hats. I understood that it was one of the possible side effects listed with treatment.
I did not understand the grief.
You may tell yourself that hair should not matter when you are fighting for your life. You may feel guilty for caring about something that seems cosmetic while doctors are trying to keep you alive.
But hair is not only decoration.
It is part of the picture you have seen in the mirror for most of your life. It is part of the face your family recognizes, the way you present yourself, and the way you have learned to see yourself.
You can grieve your hair during chemotherapy and still feel strong, beautiful, and hopeful.
Hair Loss Can Be Traumatic for Anyone
Before losing my own hair, I made assumptions based on what I had seen.
I had seen many beautiful Black women wearing very short hair or completely bald looks with confidence. I thought perhaps losing hair would not be as difficult for Black women because bald styles seemed more visible and accepted in that community.
Then I began talking with patients from different racial and ethnic backgrounds, different ages, and different walks of life.
I learned how wrong that assumption was.
Hair carries personal, family, cultural, and social meaning. The style may be different, but the grief can affect anyone.
Black women may have their own painful relationship with hair, including cultural expectations, workplace pressure, texture discrimination, long styling traditions, and the emotional meaning attached to braids, locs, curls, wigs, natural hair, or straightened hair.
White women, Asian women, Latina women, men, teenagers, children, and older adults may each experience the loss differently.
No one should be told that hair loss should not bother them because baldness seems more accepted in another group.
You May Need to Grieve It Like Any Other Loss
Hair loss may not be a death, but it is still a loss.
You may grieve it with deep sadness because it represents something that has been part of your life for years.
You may experience:
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Embarrassment
Numbness
Loss of confidence
A feeling that you no longer recognize yourself
Worry about how children or partners will respond
Guilt for caring so much
The National Cancer Institute recognizes that treatment-related hair loss can be emotionally difficult. Some people prepare by cutting their hair short, shaving it, getting a wig, or choosing scarves and hats.
There is no correct amount of sadness.
You do not have to minimize the loss because someone else believes hair is unimportant.
I Had Long Hair Before Cancer
My hair extended past my shoulders.
Before chemotherapy, Tina and Kim warned me about what could happen.
They described standing in the shower and suddenly finding large clumps of hair in their hands.
They told me how upsetting it was to comb their hair and watch it come away from their scalp.
I could not prevent the treatment from affecting my hair.
I could decide what happened to some of it before the medicine took over.
I chose to have it cut.
I Wanted My Hair to Help Someone Else
I decided to donate my hair to Locks of Love.
My thinking was simple:
If the hair could no longer remain on my head, perhaps it could help someone else.
Donating my hair gave the haircut a purpose.
It did not make the loss painless.
If you are considering donating your hair, check the current requirements of the organization before cutting it. Donation rules can change, and different organizations have different requirements for length, condition, color, and how the hair must be secured.
I Went to the Salon Early in the Morning
I arrived at the beauty salon early, close to the time it opened.
I did not have a regular appointment.
When the stylist opened the door, I was standing there.
I asked whether she accepted walk-ins.
Then I began crying.
I explained that I was preparing to start chemotherapy. I told her my hair was going to fall out and that I wanted to cut it while it could still be donated.
She cried with me.
As she cut my long hair, we cried together.
She did not tell me it was only hair.
She did not rush me.
She understood that I was saying goodbye to something that had been part of me for years.
Cutting It Short Was the First Stage
I hoped that cutting my hair short would make the eventual loss easier.
Instead of watching long strands fall into my hands, I would be dealing with shorter pieces.
I thought the difference might protect me emotionally.
It helped in some ways.
It did not remove the grief.
The National Cancer Institute notes that some people cut their hair short before treatment because shorter hair may feel easier to manage when shedding begins. It also recommends using an electric shaver rather than a razor if you choose to shave your head.
Cutting my hair was one step.
I was not yet prepared for the feeling of it releasing from my scalp.
Then I Went to a Barber
After my first chemotherapy treatment, my hair began changing.
I went to a barber and had it cut even shorter.
The barber recommended using beard oil on my scalp as the remaining hair came out. I followed his suggestion, and it helped me feel as though I was doing something to care for my skin.
That was personal advice from my barber, not a medical recommendation for everyone.
Chemotherapy can leave the scalp dry, sensitive, itchy, or irritated. The safest approach is to ask your oncology team which skin-care products are appropriate for you. Gentle products may be preferable when the scalp is sensitive, and products containing fragrances or other irritating ingredients may not be right for everyone.
My experience was mine.
Another patient should check the ingredients and ask the care team before putting a new product on a treatment-sensitive scalp.
Nothing Prepared Me for the Shower
Eventually, the remaining short hair began falling out.
I was standing in the shower when the tiny pieces and soft peach-fuzz hair began covering my hands.
I had already cried at the salon.
I had cried when the barber cut it shorter.
I thought I had moved through the hardest parts.
Then I looked at my hands.
The hair was there.
I cried.
I cried and cried.
It did not matter that the strands were short.
It did not matter that I had known this was coming.
It did not matter that the chemotherapy was intended to save my life.
The moment made the cancer visible in a new way.
The medicine was changing the outside of my body.
Knowing It Will Happen Does Not Prevent the Shock
People sometimes believe preparation should remove the emotional reaction.
It does not.
You may know your hair will fall out.
You may cut it.
You may buy hats.
You may choose a wig.
You may shave your head before it releases on its own.
You may still cry when the first clump lands in your hand.
Preparation gives you choices.
It does not erase grief.
Then Hair Began Disappearing Everywhere
It was not only the hair on my head.
My eyebrows began thinning and disappearing.
Hair fell out from private areas and other parts of my body.
Eventually, it seemed that hardly any hair remained.
Chemotherapy-related hair loss can affect the scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, face, arms, legs, underarms, and pubic area, depending on the drugs used. Not every treatment causes the same pattern or degree of loss.
The loss can make a person feel physically unfamiliar from head to toe.
Yet the Chin Hairs Survived
There was also something almost insulting about the process.
The hair I wanted disappeared.
The dark, stubborn hairs that had begun appearing on my chin seemed determined to stay.
Cancer treatment took my long hair, eyebrows, and body hair, but those unwanted chin hairs appeared to have missed the message.
Sometimes humor is part of survival.
It does not mean the loss was not painful.
It means I could notice something absurd in the middle of it.
Wigs Are a Good Choice for Some People
Some patients feel more confident in a wig.
A wig may help someone maintain privacy at work, match an earlier appearance, feel dressed for an event, or recognize herself in the mirror.
If you are considering a wig, shopping before treatment can make it easier to match your natural color and style. The American Cancer Society notes that both synthetic and human-hair wigs are available and that the best choice is the one that makes the person feel comfortable and confident.
The right wig is not necessarily the most expensive one.
It is the one you feel comfortable wearing.
Insurance May Call It a Cranial Prosthesis
I learned that insurance might not use the word “wig.”
The policy may call it a cranial prosthesis or a hair prosthesis for medically induced hair loss.
Some plans cover all or part of the cost. Others do not. A plan may require a prescription or letter from the physician, prior authorization, an approved supplier, a spending limit, or reimbursement paperwork after the purchase.
Before buying a wig, ask your insurance company:
Is a cranial prosthesis covered?
Is a physician’s prescription required?
What wording or diagnosis code must appear on the prescription?
Must I use an approved supplier?
Is prior authorization required?
What is the maximum benefit?
Do I pay first and request reimbursement?
Are synthetic and human-hair wigs treated differently?
How often is the benefit available?
What receipts and documentation must I submit?
The American Cancer Society recommends asking about coverage before purchasing because insurance requirements vary.
Keep copies of everything.
Free and Low-Cost Options May Be Available
Even when insurance does not pay, patients may find support through:
Cancer centers
Hospital resource rooms
Local cancer organizations
Community groups
Faith communities
Wig banks
Patient-assistance programs
Other survivors who donate gently used items
Ask your cancer center what is available.
One hospital that was not even my treating hospital had a cancer resource room.
They allowed me to choose hats from the supplies they had available.
You may not know what exists until you ask.
The American Cancer Society also recommends asking your cancer care team about local resources for wigs and other head coverings.
I Chose Hats Instead
Although my insurance had some wig coverage, I decided not to wear wigs.
I preferred soft hats.
My coworkers helped buy them.
Crafty people made beautiful hats especially for me.
I found additional styles online.
Hats felt simple and comfortable.
They did not ask me to pretend I still had the same hair.
They allowed me to choose colors and patterns that matched my mood.
The American Cancer Society notes that hats can be a comfortable alternative to wigs and that scalp sensitivity and fit become especially important after hair loss.
The Best Hat Is One That Does Not Hurt
A hat may feel completely different on a bald scalp than it did over hair.
Hair normally provides padding and reduces friction.
Without it, seams, elastic, rough yarn, tags, or stiff fabric may rub directly against sensitive skin.
When choosing a hat, consider:
Soft interior fabric
Minimal or covered seams
Enough depth to cover the scalp
A fit that is secure but not tight
Warm options for cold weather
Breathable options for warm weather
Sun protection
A sleep cap for nighttime
Whether the material can be washed easily
Try a hat before buying several of the same style.
What looks attractive may not feel comfortable after hair loss.
Scarves Are Another Choice
Some patients enjoy scarves because they offer many colors, patterns, and tying styles.
A scarf may be worn alone or with a soft liner beneath it. Other patients find scarves frustrating or worry they will slip.
There is no requirement to become skilled at tying one.
A pre-tied scarf or turban may be easier.
The choice is yours.
Bald Is Also a Choice
Some people decide not to cover their heads at all.
That choice can feel freeing.
It can also feel vulnerable.
The scalp still needs protection from cold, sun, and irritation. Ask your healthcare team about appropriate scalp-care and sun-protection products if your skin has become sensitive.
Going bald does not mean a person has given up on her appearance.
It may mean she has chosen not to hide what is happening.
The American Cancer Society notes that some people choose to shave their heads or go bald because it can feel more manageable or empowering.
My Daughter Told Me to Wear Dangly Earrings
My daughter had her own beauty advice.
She told me that if I was going to be bald, I needed large dangling earrings.
She believed the earrings helped frame the face and made bald women look beautiful.
I did not normally wear much jewelry.
Still, I tried it.
She was right.
The earrings added movement, personality, and a little glamour. When the eyebrows and hair were gone, they gave the eye somewhere else to look.
I could also wear makeup when I felt like it.
I did not need to wear makeup or earrings to be acceptable.
They were tools I could use when I wanted to feel dressed up.
You Can Still Be Beautiful While Bald
Beauty does not disappear with hair.
It may look different.
You may discover your eyes are more noticeable.
Your cheekbones may stand out.
A bright lipstick, colorful scarf, handmade hat, or pair of earrings may help you express yourself.
You may also choose no makeup, no jewelry, and no covering.
Every person gets to decide what makes her feel beautiful.
That may be a wig.
It may be a favorite hat.
It may be a scarf.
It may be makeup and earrings.
Or, like me, it may be being bald around the house because I was comfortable that way.
You do not have to look like anyone else's version of a cancer patient.
Do Not Tell Someone, “It Is Only Hair”
That sentence may be intended as encouragement.
It often hurts.
The patient already knows survival matters more than hair.
She may also be mourning:
Her familiar reflection
Her privacy
Her femininity or masculinity
Her cultural connection
Her sense of health
Her control
The ability to decide who knows she is sick
A more supportive response might be:
“I am sorry. I know this is hard.”
“Do you want me to go hat or wig shopping with you?”
“Would you like help finding insurance coverage?”
“You are beautiful, but you do not have to feel beautiful today.”
“I can sit with you while you cry.”
Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply acknowledging that the loss hurts.
Do Not Pressure Someone to Shave Her Head
Some patients want to shave immediately.
Others want to keep every strand as long as possible.
Some cut the hair in several stages, as I did.
Do not organize a dramatic head-shaving event unless the patient wants it.
Do not grab clippers and declare that removing it all will make the person feel better.
Ask.
The timing belongs to the person losing the hair.
Think Carefully Before Shaving Your Own Head in Solidarity
Family members sometimes shave their heads to support a loved one.
The gesture may be deeply meaningful.
It may also upset the patient, especially if she does not want attention drawn to the illness or feels guilty that others removed their hair.
Ask first.
Support should comfort the patient rather than create another emotional responsibility.
Hair Donation Can Give the Hair a New Purpose
Donating hair helped me feel that the loss could benefit another person.
Anyone considering donation should check the chosen organization's current rules before the haircut.
Requirements may involve:
Minimum length
Whether gray hair is accepted
Whether colored, highlighted, bleached, or permed hair is accepted
Clean and completely dry hair
Hair secured in ponytails or braids
Packaging and mailing instructions
A donation form
Rules differ among organizations, so do not assume that because your hair qualifies for one organization, it will qualify for another.
Scalp Cooling May Be an Option for Some Patients
Some cancer centers offer cold caps or scalp-cooling systems to reduce chemotherapy-related hair loss.
Scalp cooling may reduce the frequency or severity of hair loss for some patients receiving certain chemotherapy regimens. It does not work equally well for everyone and may not be appropriate or available for every patient.
Patients interested in scalp cooling should ask before treatment begins:
Is it appropriate for my cancer and chemotherapy?
Does this center provide it?
What results are realistic?
What does it cost?
Does insurance cover it?
How much additional time does it add?
What side effects or discomfort may occur?
It was not part of my experience, but current patients deserve to know the question exists.
A Hair-Loss Preparation Checklist
Before Chemotherapy
Ask whether your specific drugs are likely to cause hair loss.
Ask when shedding is expected to begin.
Decide whether you want to cut your hair.
Check hair-donation requirements before cutting.
Consider shopping for a wig while you still have hair.
Ask the insurer about cranial-prosthesis coverage.
Try soft hats and scarves.
Ask whether scalp cooling is available.
Take photographs of your usual hair if you want a future reference.
Discuss gentle scalp products with the care team.
When Hair Begins Falling Out
Use a gentle shampoo.
Avoid rough brushing and tight styles.
Pat the scalp dry rather than rubbing.
Consider an electric clipper rather than a razor.
Protect the scalp from sun and cold.
Report rash, sores, drainage, severe pain, or infection concerns.
Allow yourself to cry.
Ask for help cleaning loose hair if it becomes overwhelming.
When Choosing Head Coverings
Prioritize comfort.
Check seams and elastic.
Choose washable fabrics.
Buy different weights for changing temperatures.
Consider sleep caps.
Ask cancer centers about donated items.
Try wigs before investing heavily.
Keep receipts for possible insurance reimbursement.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
I wish someone had told me that losing my hair would feel like grief.
I wish I had known that cutting it in stages would not necessarily prevent the pain of seeing it in my hands.
I wish someone had prepared me for losing my eyebrows and body hair too.
I wish more patients knew the insurance term cranial prosthesis before buying a wig.
I wish people knew that hospitals and cancer organizations may have free hats and other supplies.
I wish someone had explained that scalp products should be chosen carefully.
Most of all, I wish every patient heard this:
You are allowed to care about your hair.
Hope for Today
You can be grateful for treatment and still hate what it does to your appearance.
You can want to live and still cry in the shower.
You can know hair may grow back and still mourn the hair that is gone today.
You may wear a wig.
You may choose scarves.
You may collect soft hats.
You may go bald.
You may wear large dangling earrings because your daughter says they make bald women beautiful.
You may put on makeup.
You may decide you have no energy for any of it.
Every one of those choices is valid.
I donated my long hair because I wanted it to help someone else.
I cried with the stylist who cut it.
I cried again when the barber shortened it.
Then I cried harder when the remaining hair covered my hands in the shower.
Eventually, I learned that I could look different and still be myself.
I could be bald and still be beautiful.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to grieve chemotherapy hair loss?
Yes. Hair can be deeply connected to identity, culture, privacy, confidence, and a sense of health. The emotional impact of hair loss can be significant, and you do not need to apologize for finding it difficult.
Does every chemotherapy drug cause hair loss?
No. The amount and pattern of hair loss depend on the treatment, drug, dose, schedule, and individual response. Ask your oncology team what is expected with your particular regimen.
When does chemotherapy hair loss begin?
Hair loss often begins within the first few weeks of chemotherapy, although the timing varies. NCI's patient information notes that hair loss often begins about two to three weeks after chemotherapy starts.
Will insurance pay for a wig?
Some insurance plans cover a wig when it is prescribed as a cranial prosthesis for medically related hair loss. Requirements and coverage vary, so contact your insurer before purchasing.
Are hats and scarves good alternatives to wigs?
Yes. Hats and scarves can be comfortable alternatives, and the best choice depends on personal preference, scalp sensitivity, weather, and comfort.
Should I use beard oil on my bald scalp?
Beard oil was recommended to me by my barber, but that does not make it appropriate for every cancer patient. Ask your healthcare team before using a new product on a sensitive scalp, particularly if it contains fragrance, essential oils, or other ingredients that may cause irritation.
Can I donate my hair before chemotherapy?
Often, yes, if the hair meets the organization's current requirements. Check the rules before cutting because minimum lengths and acceptable hair conditions vary among organizations.
Will my hair grow back?
Hair often grows back after chemotherapy, but the timing and appearance can vary. New hair may initially be different in texture, thickness, or color. Some treatments can cause longer-lasting or permanent hair loss.
Can scalp cooling prevent hair loss?
Scalp cooling may reduce hair loss for some patients receiving certain chemotherapy treatments, but it does not work for everyone. Ask your oncology team whether it is appropriate for your specific treatment.
Do I have to wear a wig, hat, or scarf?
No. Some people cover their heads, while others choose to go bald. There is no single right way to handle chemotherapy hair loss.
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References
National Cancer Institute. "Hair Loss (Alopecia) and Cancer Treatment."
www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/treatment/side-effects/hair-loss
National Cancer Institute. "Chemotherapy and You: Support for People With Cancer."
www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/chemotherapy-and-you
National Cancer Institute. "Cooling Cap to Reduce Chemotherapy-Related Hair Loss."
www.cancer.gov/news-events/cancer-currents-blog/2017/fda-cooling-cap-chemotherapy
American Cancer Society. "Hair Loss."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss.html
American Cancer Society. "Hair Loss (Alopecia)."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss/coping-with-hair-loss.html
American Cancer Society. "Wigs for Hair Loss."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss/choosing-and-wearing-wig.html
American Cancer Society. "Wearing a Hat."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss/how-to-wear-a-hat.html
American Cancer Society. "Wearing a Scarf."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss/how-to-wear-a-scarf.html
American Cancer Society. "Cold Caps and Scalp Cooling."
www.cancer.org/cancer/side-effects/hair-skin-nails/hair-loss/cold-caps.html
Locks of Love. "Hair Donation Guidelines and Form."
Locks of Love. "Ways to Donate Hair."
About the Author:
Deborah Ann Martin is the founder of Surviving Life Lessons, a published author, poet, speaker, and trainer with over 20 years of management experience across multiple industries. An MBA graduate, U.S. veteran, single mother, and rare cancer survivor, Deborah brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her writing on resilience, leadership, personal growth, and overcoming adversity. Her mission is to empower others with practical wisdom and real-life insight to navigate life’s challenges with strength and purpose.
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