The Silent Shame of Abortion Grief — When Healing Has No Safe Place
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Jan 14
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 16
The Most Invisible Grief Is Often the One Society Refuses to See
There is a kind of grief that many women carry quietly, sometimes for decades. It sits behind their smiles. It shows up during birthdays, holidays, life milestones, and moments when they imagine “what could have been.” It is the grief that comes after an abortion a grief the world rarely allows women to speak aloud.
The truth is, many women make this decision because they feel they have no choice. They are young. They are scared. They are in unsafe relationships. They do not have support. They have no money. They are already raising children and cannot carry one more. They receive heartbreaking medical news. They face life circumstances too heavy for anyone to judge from the outside.
But no matter the reason, the emotional aftermath can be complicated. And because society only seems willing to comfort mothers who lost a child involuntarily, women who chose abortion often live with guilt, shame, silence, and self-judgment that never truly leaves them.
Some women never talk about it at all. Some bury it so deeply they don’t realize how much it shaped their lives. Some grieve every year. Some only begin to process the loss once they become mothers later in life.
Abortion grief is real, even when the world pretends it isn’t.
The Decision Is Usually Made While Standing in the Middle of Fear
I remember being pregnant with my first child and facing a moment that many young mothers face. The father wasn’t ready. I was young. I didn’t have much money. I didn’t know how I was going to make it work. And I weighed everything the relationship, the financial struggle, the responsibility, the love I felt, the fear I carried.
I had a choice to make between the father and the baby. And I chose my baby.
Even though I kept my child, I walked through the same mental crossroads so many women face. I felt the fear. I felt the pressure. I felt the overwhelming weight of “What am I going to do?” And not everyone has the ability or support to make the same choice I did.
That’s why I have compassion for women who made a different decision because I know what that moment feels like.
And I know how easy it is to judge yourself long after it’s over.
The Unspoken Truth: Many Women Grieve Their Abortion
Women don’t talk about abortion grief for several reasons:
Fear of being judged
Fear of being shamed
Fear of being told they deserved the pain
Fear of being dismissed or silenced
Fear of admitting they miss the baby they chose not to have
But grief does not care about politics or public opinion. Grief cares about the heart.
A woman may still feel:
Loss
Regret
Confusion
Relief mixed with sadness
Anger at her circumstances
Guilt about what she did
Grief for the life she imagined
Pain she doesn’t know how to name
It doesn’t matter if she made the decision ten days ago or thirty years ago the emotions can still be there, quietly shaping the way she sees herself.
Shame Builds When Women Have Nowhere Safe to Talk
This grief becomes heavier because:
Society comforts miscarriage but condemns abortion.
Women hear “You can talk about this, but not that.”
People assume that choosing differently removes the right to grieve. But grief doesn’t follow rules.
Women believe they must punish themselves for their decision. So they do silently, for years.
They feel they don’t deserve healing or forgiveness. And that belief alone keeps them stuck.
But here is the truth:
You do not lose your humanity because of a choice you made during a moment of fear or survival. You do not lose your worth because life forced you into a decision you weren’t emotionally ready for. You do not lose your right to heal.
Your grief is real. Your pain is real. And your healing is allowed.
Abortion Has a Physical Aftermath Too One Women Aren’t Warned About
People assume that because it was a choice, it must be easier. But women still experience:
Hormonal shifts
Mood drops
Physical pain
Fatigue
Emotional crashes
Grieving symptoms
Postpartum-like emotions
The body reacts whether the loss was chosen or not. It does not ask for your reasoning. It only knows something changed.
And when the world refuses to acknowledge this, women internalize their pain even deeper.
You Are Not a Bad Person. You Are a Woman Who Faced an Impossible Moment.
This is the message too few women hear:
You are not evil. You are not unforgivable. You are not alone. You are not beyond healing.
Your story deserves compassion. Your heart deserves gentleness. Your grief deserves space.
And you deserve to move forward without carrying a lifetime of shame.
How Healing Begins for Women Who Carry Abortion Grief
Speak the truth to yourself, even if only in a whisper.
Naming the grief is the first step to releasing it.
Allow yourself to feel both the sadness and the relief.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Give yourself permission to grieve.
Grief is not a punishment; it is a sign that something mattered.
Share your story with someone safe.
You do not have to tell the world. Sometimes one trusted listener is enough.
Forgive the version of yourself who made the decision.
She did the best she could with what she knew, what she had, and what she feared.
Remember you are worthy of healing and love.
There is no decision in your past that disqualifies you from grace.
You Are Still Deserving of Peace
Child loss takes many shapes. Some are accepted, some are judged, and some are hidden in silence. But every form of loss deserves compassion.
If you feel grief after an abortion, you are not weak. You are human. You are emotional. You are layered. And you are allowed to heal and find peace.
There is no shame in wanting to feel whole again.
You're Not Alone
If you are carrying abortion grief silently, you don’t have to carry it alone anymore. Join our Neighbor Chat community for support or explore Next Step Services for private guidance. There is no judgment here, only compassion, understanding, and a safe place to heal.
Comments