Self-Discovery: How to Become Your Own Best Friend When You Hate Yourself
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 9
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 11
Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like the person staring back at you wasn’t someone worthy of kindness?
Like the voice in your head is louder than any encouragement you’ve ever received from others?
I know this feeling too well. I’ve walked through childhood wounds, a painful divorce, and even the stark reality of battling cancer. I am by no means a model of perfection, far from it.
What I am is someone who learned how to become her own best friend, despite the imperfections. And I believe you can too.
In the midst of those storms—traumas, endings, medical labels I discovered something vital: we don’t need to wait for the world to validate us. We can choose to become the friend we’ve longed for. We can learn to lean into our own hearts and say, “You matter. I’m here for you.” And when we do, our whole world shifts.
Introduction
This series, Self-Discovery: How to Become Your Own Best Friend When You Hate Yourself, is the invitation I wish someone had offered me years ago.
Across these upcoming posts, we will walk together through themes like:
Facing the mirror when you feel unworthy
Healing the inner critic that never rests
Speaking kindly to yourself
Validating your own worth without permission
Forgiving your past and rebuilding trust with yourself
Learning comfort in your own company
Choosing nurturing over numbing
Redefining love from the inside out
Becoming your own safe place
Each of these topics is rooted in lived experience, not just theory.
When I say I’ve been through my own childhood trauma, divorce, and cancer, I’m speaking from the trenches. I did not come out unscathed. I didn’t wake up one day having all the answers. But bit by bit, I learned that growth is not a destination, it’s a pathway.
A daily choice. A kind word to yourself when everything in you wants to hide. A second cup of coffee. A moment of breathing. A step outside.
Why am I sharing this? Because if you have ever hated yourself—or felt beneath the mark it seemed others placed for you—then I want you to know this: You can become your own best friend. Imperfectly, fierce, and loving. And when you do, everything changes. Not just for you, but for everyone you touch.
It begins with learning, yes. But more importantly, it begins with feeling the truth of your own worth and treating yourself like a friend. Because in the quiet places of your life—when no one else is looking—you are still worthy of kindness and belonging.
So, let’s begin this journey together. Grab your journal, find a cozy chair, take a deep breath. Let’s lean into this work of becoming friends with yourself. And in the process, let’s awaken a version of you that already exists—waiting to be seen, heard, and loved.
What You Can Try Today
Here are ten actionable steps you can take right now to begin shifting from self-criticism toward self-friendship:
Write a letter to yourself as if written by a beloved friend. Use warm, simple language. “Dear Me, I see you. I care about you…”
Set aside five minutes of no-judgment time. Sit quietly, put your phone down, and simply say to yourself: “I’m here.”
Notice the voice inside you when you make a mistake or slip up. Then, replace one harsh word with one gentle word. For example, swap “terrible” with “learning.”
Make a small commitment to yourself—something you’ve been postponing. Then follow through today, just for you.
List three things you like about yourself, even if they feel small or silly. Write them down. Keep them where you can see them.
Pause and breathe deeply for one minute whenever you feel self-criticism rising. Let the breath be a friend showing up.
Challenge a negative belief you have about yourself. Ask: “Is this always true? What would I say to a friend who believed this?”
Celebrate one act of kindness you did recently—for someone else or yourself. Let yourself feel that you mattered.
Share the intention to treat yourself kindly with someone you trust (or in our community). Accountability doesn’t mean perfection—it means you’re not alone.
End your day with a sentence of gratitude to yourself, such as: “Thank you for being here, for surviving today, for trying.”
These are simple, imperfect, human-friendly steps. They don’t require grand gestures. They require presence. A willingness to show up for yourself—even when you’re tired, wounded, frustrated. That’s enough.
Final Thoughts—Self-Discovery
Here’s what I want you to remember: you are not broken beyond repair.
You are not irredeemable.
You are not less-than because you carry scars, losses, or wounds.
Truly, you are in process—and that is okay.
The journey of becoming your own best friend is not about arriving. It’s about showing up. And the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already showing up.
My story doesn’t end at the diagnosis, the divorce, the trauma. My story continues because I decided to treat myself with kindness, and I decided to keep trying. And one day at a time.
I began to see the tentative trust I placed in myself grow stronger. So will yours. And as you become kinder to yourself, you also begin to change the way you live, the way you love, and the way you move through the world.
And here’s the beautiful truth: when you become a friend to yourself, you inadvertently become a friend to others. Your presence, your compassionate voice, your willingness to grow, light up the world around you. The ripple effect of self-friendship reaches family, friends, neighbors, and communities.
If you’ve felt alone, unheard, or invisible, hear me when I say: you are seen.
Your journey matters. Your voice matters. And the work you are doing now just by reading this—matters.
Support on Your Journey
If you’d like connection and encouragement, I invite you to become part of the survivinglifelessons community groups where we share openly, support one another, and walk this journey together. You don’t have to do this alone.
Also, if you ever need someone to talk with — just a friendly ear, not a counselor — check out our Neighbor Chat service. This is a place where people listen, share, and connect about whatever topic is on their mind every day. Because sometimes all you need is to simply be heard.
So here’s to you—the person showing up for themselves, step by step.
Here’s to the friend you are becoming to yourself.
The journey won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.
And I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
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