Seeing the Whole Iceberg: Why We Misread People (And How to Truly Understand Them)
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Nov 29, 2025
- 9 min read
Updated: Dec 20, 2025
We like to think we know people. A spouse. A child. A friend. A co-worker. We see how they talk, what they post, and what they wear. We watch how they act at dinner, at church, or at work. But most of what we “know” is the small part we can seethe tip of the iceberg.
Under the water is the bigger part no one sees. That hidden part holds the story of a person’s life: how they were raised, what they were taught, the hurts they carry, the fears that wake them up at night, the lessons life forced them to learn, the people they lost, the faith they keep, the values they cling to, the habits that keep them going, and the tiny wins that no one else notices.
This blog is about seeing the whole iceberg. It’s about slowing down, asking better questions, and choosing communication that builds understanding. If we want healthy families and strong friendships, we can’t live on guesswork. We have to learn how to really see and really listen.
The Iceberg You Can’t See
What we want to know about a person is simple and easy: job, hobbies, favorite teams, political views, and the car they drive. Those are the fast facts. They’re the tip.
What we need to understand is under the surface:
How they were raised and the rules they learned as a kid
Their reasoning style—do they decide with logic, feelings, or a mix?
Life lessons they picked up from hard times and mentors
Past hurts that still sting and shape what they avoid
Intuition—how their gut warns them or guides them
Fears—being judged, abandoned, controlled, or not good enough
Beliefs and values—what they think is right, fair, and safe
Stress patterns—do they shut down, lash out, overwork, or withdraw?
Health and energy—sleep, pain, meds, or worries that wear them down
People who live together may see a little more under the water. But even then, most of the iceberg stays unseen unless we talk about it on purpose.
Why We Get People Wrong (Even People We Love)
We don’t mean to misread others—it just happens. Here’s why.
Our brains fill in blanks. If we don’t know why someone did something, we make up a story. Often that story is wrong. We think, “They did that to hurt me,” when the truth is, “They were scared,” or “They didn’t know better,” or “They were hurting too.”
Old memories color new moments. Our senses—what we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—are tied to strong memories. A song, a cologne, a type of food, even a look on a face can trigger old emotions. Your body reacts fast, before you think things through. That’s normal, but it can lead to bad guesses.
Stress shrinks our patience. When we’re tired, hungry, or anxious, we stop asking kind questions. We jump to blame, and we lose the words we need most.
We listen to reply, not to learn. We all do it. We wait for our turn to talk. We rush to fix things. We try to win. That’s not listening. Listening means letting the other person be the center for a moment.
We assume our way is the “normal” way. Every family has “the way we do things.” That’s not the only way. Different doesn’t mean wrong. It means different.
The Cane in the Corner: One Picture, Many Stories
Picture a cane standing in the corner of a room.
One person sees a cane and feels nothing special.
A person new to using a cane may feel grief—a loss of mobility and independence.
Another person who has used a cane for years may feel gratitude—it helps them live a full life.
Someone else may feel deep sadness, remembering a loved one who used a cane before they died.
Another may feel joy, thinking of a grandparent who’s still alive and strong.
Same object, different stories. That’s how our minds work. Pictures and real-life moments pull up different emotions because our pasts are different. If a single image can spark so many feelings, imagine how much a single sentence or look can do.
Now add smells, sounds, and tastes. A certain cooking smell can bring back home, or heartbreak. A ringtone can remind us of bad news. A song can take us to an argument… or a wedding. Our senses write memories on our hearts. Later, those memories shape how we read the people in front of us.
This is why communication matters. If we don’t talk, we live in our own story and miss theirs.
Reprogramming the Emotional “Auto-Play”
You can’t always control what pops into your head. But you can train what you feed your mind.
Name it: “That smell makes me tense because of what happened last year.”
Pair it with good: Go back to that restaurant with friends who make you laugh. Add a new memory on top of the old one.
Practice on purpose: Visit three times. Share new stories there. Take photos. Create “good weight” that balances the bad.
Redirect your focus: When the old picture pops up, let it come—and then switch to the new one you chose.
Repeat: Brains learn by repetition. Feed the good on purpose.
This does not erase trauma or deny pain. It teaches your brain that the trigger is not the whole story anymore.
If You Want to Know Someone, Change How You Ask
Most people want to be known—but they won’t open up if it feels risky. Try these simple, safe ways to talk about the iceberg under the surface.
Better Openers
“Help me understand what this was like for you.”
“When this happened, what did you hope I would do?”
“What part of this is hardest to talk about?”
“What do you need from me when you’re stressed?”
“Is there a story from your childhood that shaped how you see this?”
Swap Fixing for Curiosity
Instead of “Here’s what you should do,” try “What options have you thought about?”
Instead of “Calm down,” try “I’m here. Want me to listen or help problem-solve?”
Instead of “You’re overreacting,” try “What did this moment bring up for you?”
Use Simple “I” Statements
“I felt worried when you didn’t text back. Next time, can you just send ‘busy’?”
“I need five minutes to cool down. I want to talk when I can listen well.”
Reflect Back What You Heard
“So you felt dismissed when I made that joke. Did I get that right?”
“You were hoping I’d ask questions, not give advice. I can do that.”
Make the Conversation Safer
Choose a calm time, not in the heat of a fight.
Sit side by side (a walk or car ride works). It’s easier to share when you don’t feel stared down.
Set a small goal: “Let’s talk for 15 minutes, then take a break.”
A Simple 3-Step Listening Tool (TRY Method)
Listening is the hardest thing for us to do. Even when I look like I am listening, sometimes I am trying to keep in my head what I want to reply back, so I don't forget it, or I am thinking about what's for dinner. I don't mean to, but my brain tends to wander, especially when the topic is very boring. Some suggest to TRY...Tell-back • Request more • Yield
Tell-back what you heard: “You felt alone at the party.”
Request more: “Can you say more about that moment?”
Yield the floor: leave space, don’t rush to fix.
Use TRY twice before offering your view. I do try to use the TRY method. It's just really hard. This will always be a lifelong lesson that I must continually practice. I hope you are more successful with this method than I. Sometimes we have the knowledge to know something, but lack the wisdom to effectively use it. In my case, this is me.
Questions That Reach Below the Waterline
Pick one or two at a time.
“What were the ‘unwritten rules’ in your house growing up?”
“When you’re overwhelmed, what helps you feel safe?”
“What’s a memory you carry that still shapes how you react?”
“What scares you about being misunderstood?”
“What’s one small thing I do that makes you feel seen?”
“What do you wish people knew about you but rarely say out loud?”
When You Disagree (But Still Want Connection)
You don’t need perfect agreement to stay close. You need good rules.
Pause > Pounce. Say, “I need a quick break,” then come back.
One issue at a time. Don’t bring last year into this year’s talk.
Name the value. “You value security; I value freedom. Can we protect both?”
Find the overlap. “We both want the kids to feel safe and confident.”
Set a small next step. “Let’s try Sunday night check-ins for two weeks.”
Boundaries: The Bridge That Keeps Us Safe
Boundaries aren’t walls to push people out. They are bridges that hold the relationship up.
Personal boundary: “I won’t discuss politics at family meals.”
Time boundary: “I can visit once a week for two hours.”
Privacy boundary: “I don’t share our arguments with friends.”
Digital boundary: “No posting my photo without asking.”
Good boundaries make it safer to share the iceberg without fear.
Practice: A 10-Minute “Iceberg Talk”
Use this once a week for a month.
Set the scene: Phones down. Pick a calm time.
Two minutes each: Answer, “What’s one thing under my iceberg today?”
TRY once: Tell back what you heard, ask for more, yield.
Swap. Now it’s the other person’s turn.
One action: “What’s one small thing we’ll try this week?”
That’s it. Ten minutes. Repeated practice changes how you relate.
When Senses Trigger Old Pain (And What to Do)
Smells: If a smell brings up bad memories, pair it with a good one. Bake a favorite recipe with a friend. Light a candle during a joyful night.
Sounds: If a song is tied to a breakup, add it to a “healing playlist” with new, hopeful songs. Play it while doing something you love.
Places: If a restaurant holds a painful moment, return with kind people three times. Take photos. Create a new story.
Holidays: If a holiday is hard, plan one new tradition that is small, kind, and yours.
You are not erasing the past. You are teaching your brain that the whole truth includes new, safe moments too.
What If the Other Person Won’t Talk?
You can’t force open the door. But you can keep your side healthy.
Write a letter you may never send to clear your thoughts.
Work with a counselor or support group to learn skills and get steady.
Keep your invitations simple and pressure-free: “I’m here when you’re ready.”
Protect yourself. If contact isn’t safe, keep your distance and build support elsewhere.
Quick Scripts You Can Borrow
To start a hard talk: “I care about you and want to get this right. Can we try again?”
When you mess up: “I interrupted you. I’m sorry. Please finish—I'm listening.”
When you need space: “I need 20 minutes to settle down so I can be fair.”
To show care without fixing: “That sounds heavy. What would feel supportive right now?”
To end gently: “Thanks for sharing. I learned something about you today.”
The Payoff: Why Communication Is Worth the Work
When we choose to see the whole iceberg:
We lower the chance of pointless fights.
We reduce guesswork and grow trust.
We make the home feel safer.
Kids learn from our example.
Partners feel respected.
Friends feel valued.
And we take pride in how we showed up.
Good communication is not fancy. It’s daily. It’s small. It’s patient. It’s the steady choice to ask, listen, reflect, and try again.
Your 7-Day “See the Whole Iceberg” Challenge
Day 1: Ask one deeper question.
Day 2: Practice TRY (Tell-back, Request more, Yield) once.
Day 3: Share one story from under your own iceberg.
Day 4: Set one calm boundary and explain the “why.”
Day 5: Pair one trigger with a new, positive moment.
Day 6: Do the 10-minute Iceberg Talk.
Day 7: Write a short note of appreciation. Write one specific thing you see and value.
Repeat next week. Small steps stack up.
Final Word: People Are Not Just What You See
Everyone you know is carrying more than you can see. The tip might look calm and steady. They might even be wearing a smile and look happy. Underneath, there may be storms, scars, hopes, and hard-won wisdom. If we want stronger families and kinder communities, we have to learn to see beneath the surface.
Start with one conversation. Ask a better question. Listen for what’s under the water. That’s where real connection lives.
Calls to Action
Seeing Below the Surface Together Understanding people takes more than noticing what’s on top. Most of what shapes a person lies beneath the surface — their stories, struggles, and strengths. In our Surviving Life Lessons groups, you’ll meet others who are learning to see past appearances, share openly, and build meaningful connections. Together, we discover how to listen, grow, and heal.
When You Need Someone to Truly Listen Sometimes carrying the weight of your own “iceberg” feels impossible. That’s when it helps to talk with someone who cares and listens without judgment. Neighbor Chat offers a simple, safe conversation space — just you and a supportive neighbor who understands that life is messy and complicated. One honest talk can help you feel lighter, clearer, and more prepared to face the people in your life.
References
American Psychological Association. Conversations Are Essential to Our Well-Being — https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/11/conversations-key-to-wellbeing
T. Moin et al. The Effects of Listening on Speaker and Listener While Discussing Character Strengths — https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC11651903/
Lemay Jr., E. P., et al. Listening and the Pursuit of Communal Relationships — https://labsites.rochester.edu/lelab/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Lemay-et-al.-2023-Listening-and-the-pursuit-of-communal-relationships.pdf
N. Weinstein et al. Empathic Listening Satisfies Speakers’ Psychological Needs — https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210312400129X
Comments