Dating After Divorce: Knowing What You Like
Updated: Sep 28
Dating after divorce is not just about meeting someone new. It is about not disappearing into someone else’s life again.
Before you download an app, before you say yes to a date, before you try to fit into someone else’s world, there is an important question to answer.
Who are you now, and what do you actually enjoy?
I learned this the long way, and I am grateful I did.
Dating Before You Know Yourself Is How You Lose Yourself
After divorce, it is easy to slide into dating by following someone else’s lead. Their hobbies. Their routines. Their interests. Their world.
That is how many of us lived inside our marriages without realizing it.
If I had started dating before I knew the new me, I would have done the same thing again. I would have adjusted, followed, and molded myself around someone else’s life. Not because I wanted to, but because I did not yet know what I wanted.
Knowing what you like is not selfish. It is protective.
Knowing What You Like: Discovering What You Actually Enjoy
Before I dated seriously again, I spent time figuring out what brought me joy, not what I used to like or what fit into someone else’s schedule.
I learned that I love being outdoors, kayaking, fishing, and doing things actively together, not just sitting across from someone trying to impress them.
Those things matter. When you know what lights you up, you stop settling for connection that drains you.
Dating Someone Who Enjoyed the Same Things
I dated someone for three years who enjoyed those same activities. We kayaked. We fished. We did things together that felt fun and natural.
That relationship worked because we were not trying to convince each other to like the same things. We already did.
I was not following him around trying to fit into his world. We were building shared experiences from common interests.
That is what healthy dating looks like.
When Paths Don’t Align, And That’s Okay
That relationship ended not because it was unhealthy, but because life moved in different directions. He took a job that required moving. I was not leaving my family.
And that mattered.
We parted on good terms. No drama. No resentment. No regret.
That experience taught me something important. I want that again. I want compatibility, shared joy, and mutual respect. And I am not willing to settle for less.
Dating Apps Are Tools, Not the Starting Point
Dating apps can be useful, but they should not be where your identity forms.
Apps work best when you already know who you are and what you enjoy. When you can say yes intentionally and no without guilt.
Dating apps are not about casting the widest net. They are about alignment.
The same goes for where you meet people.
Go Where the Life You Want Already Exists
One of the best pieces of advice I can give is this. Go where people are already doing the things you love.
If you enjoy outdoor activities, go there.
If faith matters to you, engage in places of your faith.
If community matters, build community first.
If learning, service, or creativity lights you up, lean into those spaces.
When you live your life fully, dating becomes a natural extension of that life, not a replacement for it.
It is easier to build something real when you are not trying to force chemistry where there is no shared ground.
Choosing Yourself Is Not Settling
I would rather be alone than be in another bad relationship.
That is not bitterness. That is clarity.
Being alone is peaceful. Losing yourself again is not.
Dating after divorce should never cost you your values, your joy, or your sense of self. The right connection will add to your life, not require you to shrink it.
If You Are Dating or Thinking About It
If you are considering dating after divorce, pause and ask yourself a few things.
Do I know what I enjoy now.
Do I feel comfortable being alone.
Am I choosing connection or avoiding loneliness.
Would I walk away if something felt wrong.
Those answers matter more than profiles, matches, or messages.
A Gentle Next Step
You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to wait for alignment. You are allowed to choose yourself every time.
Where to Go From Here
Dating after divorce can test your confidence, your boundaries, and your sense of self. At Surviving Life Lessons, we believe in life survivors helping life strugglers. Our Relationship & Dating Support Group is a place to talk through dating with people who get it, and our Boundary Setting Support Group can help you hold on to what matters to you. You can also browse our Community Groups Catalog to find every group that fits where you are right now.
For more, read Dating Without Losing Yourself After Divorce or Dating After Divorce: Finding the Right Timing.
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About the Author:
Deborah Ann Martin is the founder of Surviving Life Lessons, a published author, poet, speaker, and trainer with over 20 years of management experience across multiple industries. An MBA graduate, U.S. veteran, single mother, and rare cancer survivor, Deborah brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her writing on resilience, leadership, personal growth, and overcoming adversity. Her mission is to empower others with practical wisdom and real-life insight to navigate life’s challenges with strength and purpose.
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