Coaching the Uncoachable (Without Losing Your Mind)
- Deborah Ann Martin
- Dec 9
- 5 min read
Updated: 22 hours ago
There’s always one. The employee who resists everything. The one who pushes every button, takes every correction personally, refuses to grow, and seems determined to be miserable no matter what you do.
As a new supervisor, this can wreck your confidence.
You second-guess yourself. You wonder if you’re doing it wrong. You pour energy into trying to fix it, only to find yourself drained and resentful.
Let me save you some heartache up front: you can’t coach everyone—at least, not right away.
But you can learn to manage them without losing your mind or ruining morale for the rest of the team. That’s what this chapter is about.
Every Team Has One Uncoachable
In my career, I had someone under me who hated me. Everything I said was met with crossed arms, eye rolls, and a grudge the size of a battleship. She wasn’t shy about it either; if I offered guidance, she took it as criticism. If I praised her, she assumed I was being fake.
And yet… I kept showing up. One day, I pulled her aside and said, “You don’t have to like me. We need to be able to work together. Give me a chance, and I promise you this: by the time you leave here, you’re going to love me.”
She scoffed.
But a year later, when she was moving on to another job during a lay-off, she told me I was right. “I do love you,” she said. “And I’m going to miss you.” We still talk to each other years later.
You won’t always get that kind of resolution. But you can turn things around if not with the employee, then at least with your own peace of mind and your team's protection.
Why Some People Seem Uncoachable
Here’s the truth most books skip: you don’t know what people are going through.
Maybe they’re dealing with:
Divorce
Health issues
Mental illness
Financial stress
A history of terrible bosses
Low self-worth
Past trauma
When you show up trying to help them grow, they may see you as a threat. Not because of you, but because of what your role represents power they don’t trust.
On the flip side, some people are just burned out or bitter and don’t want to work. That’s not your fault. But you still have to lead them.
The Emotional Toll on You
Coaching resistant people isn’t just frustrating it’s exhausting.
You plan training sessions they don’t engage in.
You offer feedback, and they twist it into offense.
You try encouragement, only to be met with cold silence.
Meanwhile, the rest of the team watches how you handle it.
One person can spoil the culture if you’re not careful.
That’s why it’s critical to learn how to manage this without letting it poison the whole group.
What You Can Do
1. Separate the person from the behavior.
Don’t label them “lazy” or “a problem.” Call out behaviors:
“I noticed the report wasn’t submitted.”
“You’ve been late three times this week.”
“In the meeting, you interrupted multiple people.”
This helps you stay professional and focused on action, not emotion.
2. Have private, honest conversations.
People perform differently in groups than they do one-on-one. I’ve had team members act combatively in meetings but open up quietly behind closed doors.
When you pull someone aside and ask, “Is something going on that’s affecting work?” you often get the truth.
You don’t need to fix their life. But you do need to listen and hold the line on expectations.
3. Clarify the impact.
Show them how their behavior affects:
Customers
Coworkers
Workflow
Their own advancement
Sometimes people truly don’t understand how disruptive they’re being.
What You Can’t Do
1. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to change.
If someone refuses to grow, resents your role, and rejects feedback, you can’t coach that until they’re ready.
What you can do is:
Keep documenting
Keep offering tools
Keep reinforcing expectations
Keep being respectful
Keep your boundaries
Let them know you’re here when they’re ready but the work still has to get done.
2. You can’t let them infect the team.
This is where new supervisors struggle most.
We think, “If I just try harder, they’ll come around.”
But while you’re spending all your time on one person, your good employees are losing steam.
They see the favoritism. They feel the tension. They wonder why you’re tolerating the disruption.
Protect the morale of the many, not just the feelings of the one.
What to Watch For: Silent Sabotage
Not all resistance is loud. Some difficult employees show it through
:
Passive-aggressive compliance
Withholding information
Delaying tasks
Undermining decisions subtly
These are harder to catch but just as dangerous.
Document everything. Keep records of meetings, missed deadlines, and team complaints. If things escalate, you’ll need that paper trail.
Softening Hearts: The Long Game
That woman who once hated me? Her heart changed not because I gave in, but because I stayed consistent:
I respected her.
I held her accountable.
I didn’t gossip or retaliate.
I gave her chances to grow.
Eventually, she saw I wasn’t the enemy.
If you stay grounded, many people do come around.
Coaching Isn’t Coddling
It’s important to say this clearly:
Coaching is not avoiding conflict. It’s confronting it with purpose.
You're not helping anyone if you:
Let someone walk all over you
Avoid addressing issues to “keep peace”
Sacrifice team morale for one difficult person
Coaching the uncoachable means knowing when to:
Press in
Back off
Escalate
Let go
And knowing when it’s their growth that’s stalled, not your leadership.
Research-Backed Techniques
Harvard Business Review suggests:
“Instead of trying to ‘fix’ a difficult person, focus on building a working relationship with boundaries and clarity. ”Source: What to Do If Your Employee Is Sabotaging the Team, HBR.org
The American Psychological Association emphasizes:
“People with low psychological safety often resist feedback. Create a climate where it’s okay to fail and learn. ”Source: The Importance of Psychological Safety at Work, APA.org
In other words, don’t try to rescue them. Try to lead them within a structure that honors the team.
Tools That Help
Here’s what I use:
Tool | Purpose |
One-on-one private chats | De-escalate emotional behavior |
Weekly check-ins | Track progress without micromanaging |
SOPs (with pictures + steps) | Help disengaged learners have structure |
Peer mentorship | Sometimes hearing it from someone else works better |
Small wins board | Encourages even hard personalities to see value |
When Nothing Works
Some people just won’t change while you’re their boss
.
You tried. You documented. You offered support.
And still—nothing.
It’s okay to escalate or remove them from the role if it’s harming the team.
You’re not failing. You’re protecting the group—and your own mental health.
Final Thought
You’re going to lose sleep over the one who refuses to get on board. That’s normal.
But don’t let them rob you of your purpose.
Focus on the ones who do show up. The ones who are growing. The ones who respect you.
And keep the door open for the hard ones to eventually walk through when they’re ready.
Next Step
Coaching difficult employees can feel isolating. But you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Use Neighbor Chat to ask others how they handled resistant team members
Join our Supervisor Support Group to share your stories and strategies
Book a Next Step Coaching Session if you're stuck on what to do next with a hard case
We’re here to help you lead with strength, wisdom, and heart—even when it’s hard.
References
Harvard Business Review. What to Do If Your Employee Is Sabotaging the Team. https://hbr.org/2022/07/what-to-do-if-your-employee-is-sabotaging-the-team
American Psychological Association. The Importance of Psychological Safety at Work. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/psychological-safety
Gallup. How Managers Can Motivate Employees Who Resist Change. https://www.gallup.com/workplace
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