Telling Your Children and Grandchildren You Have Cancer
- Deborah Ann Martin
- 1 day ago
- 13 min read
How I Learned to Tell My Family About Cancer Without Taking Away Their Hope
When I learned I had cancer, one of the hardest things I had to do was tell my children.
I have four children, and they needed to know.
But telling them was not the same as telling everyone else.
These were my children. They were adults, but they were still my children. They were going to worry about me, ask questions, and wonder what was going to happen.
And then there were my grandchildren.
I knew they needed to hear about my cancer, too.
But I did not want them to hear pieces of adult conversations and try to figure out what was happening on their own.
I wanted to tell them honestly without frightening them with information they did not need.
That meant I had to think carefully about what to say, when to say it, and how much information to give.
I Told My Four Children First
My four children were the first people in my family who needed to know.
I did not feel the need to have the perfect speech.
I simply needed to tell them the truth.
Cancer changes everything about the way you think about a conversation.
You realize that the words you choose may stay with someone for a very long time.
I wanted my children to understand that I was facing cancer and that treatment was going to be part of my life.
I also wanted them to know that I was still their mother.
I was still me.
The diagnosis had changed something enormous in our lives, but it had not changed the relationship we had with each other.
I Did Not Tell Everyone at Once
One thing I learned very quickly was that I did not have to make one giant announcement to everyone I knew.
I could tell people in stages.
First, my children.
Then a couple of praying friends who were people I trusted enough to cry with.
Then we talked about how to tell the grandchildren.
After that, I told more of my praying friends.
Eventually, the information spread to other family members, friends, coworkers, and people in my life.
That order worked for me.
It gave me time to breathe between conversations.
It also allowed the people closest to me to understand what was happening before I had to start answering questions from everyone else.
I Chose Friends Who Could Cry and Pray With Me
There were a couple of praying friends I told early.
These were not conversations where I had to make someone feel better.
We could cry together.
We could pray together.
They could hear my fear without needing me to tell them that everything was going to be fine.
That was important.
When you have cancer, you need some people who can sit in the uncertainty with you.
You do not always need someone who says:
“Don't worry.”
“Everything will be fine.”
“God has this.”
I knew my friends meant those things with love.
But sometimes what I really needed was someone who could say:
“I'm here.”
“Let's pray.”
“I'm not going anywhere.”
Then We Had to Decide How to Tell the Grandchildren
Telling my grandchildren was different.
My children and I talked about how we wanted to approach the conversation.
I did not want the grandchildren to overhear conversations between adults and then create their own explanation of what was happening.
Children notice things.
They notice when adults are worried.
They notice medical appointments.
They notice changes in appearance.
They notice when someone is tired.
They notice when people are whispering.
If adults do not give children an explanation, children may create one themselves.
And what a child imagines can sometimes be more frightening than the truth.
I Researched How to Talk to Children About Cancer
I did not assume that because I was a grandmother, I automatically knew how to explain cancer to children.
I researched it.
I looked at information from organizations such as St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and the National Cancer Institute.
I wanted to understand how much information children need at different ages and how adults can answer difficult questions honestly.
The guidance I found had an important message:
Children deserve honesty that is appropriate for their age.
That does not mean telling them every medical detail.
It means giving them enough information to understand what is happening without overwhelming them.
Joey’s Hat Collection: Helping Adults Start the Conversation
My experience talking with my own grandchildren eventually became part of the reason I created Joey’s Hat Collection.
I wanted the book to do more than tell a story.
I wanted it to give parents and grandparents a way to start a conversation about cancer with a child.
In the back of Joey’s Hat Collection, I included information and simple steps to help adults begin talking with children about cancer.
The goal was not to give families a medical textbook.
It was to give them a starting point.
What do you say?
How do you explain cancer without frightening a child?
How do you explain chemotherapy?
What do you say when a child asks whether someone is going to die?
How do you explain hair loss?
How do you reassure a child that cancer is not contagious and that they did not cause it?
These were questions I had to think about for my own grandchildren.
I researched information from trusted cancer organizations and used what I learned to help
develop the information included with the book.
The guidance in the back of Joey’s Hat Collection was also reviewed by the infusion nurses who cared for me and by my cancer doctor at the time.
That was important to me.
I wanted the information to come from my experience as a grandmother, but I also wanted medical professionals involved in reviewing what I was sharing.
The book is not intended to replace advice from a child's doctor, oncology team, counselor, or other qualified professional.
It is a tool to help an adult open the door to a difficult conversation.
Sometimes the hardest part is knowing how to begin.
A book can give you those first words.
A story can give a child a character they can relate to.
And a simple question can begin a conversation that continues over time.
What I Wanted Families to Have
I wanted parents and grandparents to have something they could hold in their hands when they were thinking:
“I know I need to talk to this child about cancer, but I don't know how to start.”
Joey’s Hat Collection was created from that place.
It came from my experience with cancer, my love for my grandchildren, and my desire to help another family have a gentler way into a difficult conversation.
The information in the back is there to help adults begin.
It is not necessary to have all the answers before you talk to a child.
You can begin with what you know.
You can tell the truth in words a child can understand.
And when the child has another question tomorrow, you can continue the conversation.
You don't have to have the whole conversation in one day.
Children Need Simple Truths
A young child does not need a detailed explanation of pathology reports, chemotherapy protocols, or cancer statistics.
They may need to know:
“Grandma has cancer.”
“The doctors are giving me medicine to treat it.”
“My hair may fall out because of the medicine.”
“I may be tired sometimes.”
“You cannot catch cancer from me.”
“You did not cause this.”
“You can ask me questions.”
Those simple statements can give a child something solid to hold onto.
Don't Promise What You Cannot Know
One of the hardest things about talking to children about cancer is wanting desperately to reassure them.
You may want to say:
“Everything is going to be okay.”
But cancer does not always give us that certainty.
I learned that reassurance does not have to mean making a promise about the future.
You can say:
“The doctors are working hard to help me.”
“I am getting treatment.”
“I will tell you when there is something you need to know.”
“You are going to be cared for.”
“You can always ask me questions.”
Those statements provide reassurance without promising an outcome no one can guarantee.
Children May Ask Questions You Aren't Ready For
Children can ask surprisingly direct questions.
“Are you going to die?”
“Why did you get cancer?”
“Will your hair fall out?”
“Can I catch it?”
“Are you going to be sick?”
“Who will take care of me?”
Adults may feel uncomfortable answering some of these questions.
That does not mean the questions should be avoided.
If you do not know the answer, you can say:
“I don't know yet.”
That is an honest answer.
You can also say:
“That is something I need to ask my doctor.”
Children do not need adults to know everything.
They need adults they can trust.
I Wanted My Grandchildren to Know They Could Still Be Children
Cancer can make children feel like they suddenly have to become helpers.
I wanted my grandchildren to understand that they could help me without becoming responsible for me.
They could bring me water.
They could sit beside me.
They could make a card.
They could choose a hat.
They could watch television with me.
They could give me a hug.
They could make me laugh.
But they did not have to worry about keeping me alive.
They did not have to monitor my symptoms.
They did not have to take care of my medical needs.
Those were adult responsibilities.
Sometimes Children Need Permission to Have Fun
This is something families may overlook.
A child can love someone with cancer and still want to play.
They may run outside.
They may laugh.
They may watch cartoons.
They may ask what is for dinner five minutes after hearing difficult news.
That does not mean they do not care.
Children process difficult experiences differently from adults.
They may move in and out of sadness.
They may ask questions one day and seem completely uninterested the next.
That can be normal.
Let the Conversation Happen More Than Once
I did not expect one conversation to answer every question.
Children often need time to process information.
They may hear the explanation and then think about it later.
A question may come up the next day.
Or next week.
Or months later.
That is why talking about cancer should be an ongoing conversation rather than one enormous announcement.
You can keep checking in.
“Do you have any questions about what is happening?”
“Is there anything you've been wondering about?”
“Did someone tell you something that worried you?”
Sometimes a child will tell you something you never knew they were thinking.
Children May Need Reassurance About Their Own Lives
When a grandparent or parent becomes seriously ill, children may worry about what will happen to them.
They may wonder:
“Will I still go to school?”
“Will I still see Grandma?”
“Who will pick me up?”
“Will my parents be okay?”
“Will we still have Christmas?”
Whenever possible, maintaining familiar routines can help children feel secure.
Cancer may change some things.
But not everything has to change.
Sometimes knowing that tomorrow still includes school, dinner, bedtime, or a favorite activity gives a child a sense of stability.
My Grandchildren Became Part of My Story
My grandchildren did not just receive information about my cancer.
They became part of my experience.
Their reactions.
Their questions.
Their desire to help.
Their love.
Those experiences eventually became part of the inspiration for my book, Joey's Hat.
I wanted children to see that they are not helpless when someone they love has cancer.
They may not be able to cure the disease.
But they can love someone.
They can bring comfort.
They can spend time together.
They can make a card.
They can bring a glass of water.
They can choose a hat.
Sometimes those small things mean more than a child realizes.
Telling Family Does Not Mean Giving Everyone Every Detail
As the news spread, I learned another important lesson.
People do not automatically need every detail of your cancer.
Your diagnosis belongs to you.
You get to decide what you share.
You may want your immediate family to know the medical details.
You may want close friends to know the treatment schedule.
You may only want coworkers to know that you are receiving treatment.
You may not want to discuss statistics at all.
That is your decision.
Sometimes I Had to Comfort the People I Told
One thing surprised me about telling people I had cancer.
Sometimes I ended up comforting them.
People would become frightened.
They would cry.
They would tell me how much they loved me.
They would say they were praying for me.
They would say:
“God has this.”
“We're going to pray you through this.”
“Everything is going to be okay.”
I knew those words came from love.
But there were times when I found myself reassuring the other person instead of being supported myself.
Eventually, I developed a simple response.
I would say something like:
“It's okay. I'll be fine. I have to go through the treatments, and it will all work out.”
Then I might add:
“I'm sorry to cut this short. I need to let some other people know.”
That allowed me to move on without spending all of my emotional energy explaining my diagnosis.
You Do Not Have to Give Everyone the Statistics
I made a decision early on that I was not going to give everyone my cancer statistics.
If someone cared enough about me to want detailed information, they could research it.
I did not need to become the person responsible for educating every person who heard the word cancer.
There is a difference between sharing your story and becoming everyone's cancer information center.
I needed my energy for treatment.
I needed it for my children.
I needed it for my grandchildren.
I needed it for myself.
What I Would Tell Someone Newly Diagnosed
If you have just been diagnosed with cancer, you may feel pressure to tell everyone immediately.
You don't have to.
Start with the people who need to know.
Choose the people who can support you.
Tell your children.
Think carefully about how to tell your grandchildren.
Find a few people who can pray with you, cry with you, or simply sit quietly with you.
Then tell others when you are ready.
You are allowed to take this one conversation at a time.
Questions to Help You Plan the Conversation
Before telling children or grandchildren about cancer, consider:
What does this child already know?
How old are they?
What information do they actually need right now?
What words will they understand?
Who should be present?
What questions might they ask?
What will I say if they ask whether I will die?
What will I say if I don't know the answer?
Who can help support them afterward?
What routines can remain normal?
When should I check back in with them?
You do not need a perfect conversation.
You need an honest one.
What Children Need Most
Children need to know that they are loved.
They need to know that cancer is not their fault.
They need to know they cannot catch cancer from you.
They need permission to ask questions.
They need permission to feel whatever they feel.
They need dependable adults.
And they need to know that they are still allowed to be children.
Hope for Today
Cancer changed the conversations I had with my family.
But it also reminded me how important those conversations are.
I told my four children first because they needed to know.
I told a few praying friends because I needed people who could cry and pray with me.
Then my children and I worked together to tell my grandchildren.
I researched how to talk to children because I wanted to give them honest answers without giving them unnecessary fear.
Then I gradually told more people.
I learned that there is no single perfect way to tell people you have cancer.
There is only the way that protects your truth, your family, and your emotional strength.
You do not have to tell everyone today.
You do not have to answer every question.
You do not have to promise that everything will be okay.
You can simply tell the truth, love your people, and take the next conversation when you are ready.
Frequently Asked Questions
When should I tell my children that I have cancer?
There is no single correct time. Many parents choose to tell children after they understand their diagnosis and have enough information to explain what is happening. Children often benefit from honest, age-appropriate information rather than overhearing conversations or sensing that something is wrong without an explanation.
How do I tell my grandchildren I have cancer?
Use simple language appropriate for their age. Explain that you have cancer, describe what they may notice during treatment, and reassure them that they did not cause the cancer and cannot catch it from you.
Should I tell children everything about my cancer?
No. Children need truthful information, but they do not necessarily need every medical detail. Give them information they can understand and answer questions as they arise.
What if my child asks if I am going to die?
Answer honestly without giving promises you cannot make. You can acknowledge that cancer is serious while explaining what the doctors are doing to treat you. If you do not know the answer, it is okay to say, “I don't know.”
Should I tell children that chemotherapy may make me lose my hair?
Yes. Preparing children for changes they may see can prevent them from being surprised or frightened. Explain that hair loss can be a side effect of some cancer treatments and that it does not mean the person has changed inside.
Can children help a family member with cancer?
Yes. Children can participate in small, age-appropriate ways such as making cards, bringing water, choosing a hat, reading together, or spending time with the person. They should not be responsible for medical care.
What if my child does not want to talk about cancer?
Do not force a long conversation. Let the child know that questions are always welcome and continue checking in gently. Children may process difficult information through play, drawing, questions, or simply spending time with family.
Do I have to tell everyone about my cancer diagnosis?
No. Your medical information is personal. You can decide who receives detailed information and who only needs a general update.
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References
National Cancer Institute. "Talking to Children About Your Cancer."www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/adjusting-to-cancer/talk-to-children
National Cancer Institute. "Adjusting to Cancer."www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/adjusting-to-cancer
National Cancer Institute. "Emotions and Cancer."www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/feelings
National Cancer Institute. "When Someone You Love Is Being Treated for Cancer."www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/when-someone-you-love-is-being-treated
American Cancer Society. "Helping Children When Someone They Know Has Cancer."www.cancer.org/cancer/caregivers/helping-children-when-a-family-member-has-cancer.html
St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Together by St. Jude. "How to Talk to Your Child About Cancer."www.together.stjude.org/en-us/emotional-support-daily-life/parents/talking-to-your-child-about-cancer.html
St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Together by St. Jude. "Age-Appropriate Information About Childhood Cancer."www.together.stjude.org/en-us/emotional-support-daily-life/parents/talking-to-your-child-about-cancer/age-appropriate-information.html
About the Author:
Deborah Ann Martin is the founder of Surviving Life Lessons, a published author, poet, speaker, and trainer with over 20 years of management experience across multiple industries. An MBA graduate, U.S. veteran, single mother, and rare cancer survivor, Deborah brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her writing on resilience, leadership, personal growth, and overcoming adversity. Her mission is to empower others with practical wisdom and real-life insight to navigate life’s challenges with strength and purpose.
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